WASHINGTON - Hours after Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia denounced as "idiots" those who believe in a "living Constitution" that changes akin to a living organism, Scalia claims that his own copy of the Constitution brutally attacked him and that he narrowly escaped with his life. One of Scailia's law clerks said that the Justice is badly bruised and hysterical in a Washington, D.C. hospital, but is expected to make a full recovery. The alleged attack occurred last night after Scalia spoke at a Federalist Society dinner where he rejected the "living Constitution" concept. Scalia returned to his chambers at the Supreme Court Building at approximately 10:30 to pick up some papers. He turned on the lights and claims that he heard the sound of breaking glass in the credenza where he keeps his yellowed, dog-eared copy of the Constitution. Suddenly, according to Scalia, the Constitution stood up on its own and, without warning, leaped toward his face and knocked him to the floor. The document proceeded to maul him, the Justice said, leaving him with multiple paper cuts about the neck and face. Scalia was able to grab a paper shredder next to his desk, causing the Constitution instinctively to dart behind a curtain. Scalia then ran out of the building and sought medical attention.
Police confiscated the purported "living Constitution" from Scalia's chambers, which showed no signs of having been animated. Although investigators initially discounted Scalia's account as "fantastic," testing today revealed that inkprints on the Justice's throat are from the document.
