WASHINGTON - Vice President Dick Cheney defended his shooting of hunting companion Harry Whittington on Saturday by insisting that "all intelligence data gathered by a variety of government agencies, including the CIA, NSA and FBI, led everyone to the firm conviction that the seventy-eight year old Whittington was a duck." In remarks made at the Western Pennsylvania School for the Blind, Cheney blasted his critics for casting blame on him for shooting the elderly multi-millionaire, claiming they are practicing "revisionist history.""Satellite surveillance photos of the Whittington residence, along with NSA-approved wiretaps of Whittington's cell phone that produced hours and hours of mind-numbing transcripts, was believed, at the time, to be irrefutable evidence that the man I thought to be a life-long friend, was, in fact, a duck. So, naturally, I shot him."
Cheney also maintained that "our allies possessed the same intelligence that we did." Reached last night at his 10 Downing Street residence, British Prime Minister Tony Blair confirmed Cheney's account. "I always believed Whittington was hiding something, I don't know -- a duck's bill? Feathers? I couldn't pinpoint it," said Blair. "But frankly, I, too, was under the firm impression that he was a duck."
Cheney, who initially explained the wounding of his hunting partner as "a senior moment," was unrepentant yesterday in justifying his actions. "Allowing ducks to remain in our midst creates an unstable world and leaves America in an untenable position," Cheney said. "Every year ducks cause millions of dollars in property damage by defiling statues and parks. By shooting that duck in the face, I was merely performing my patriotic duty as an American citizen. Unfortunately, in this instance, that duck turned out to be Mr. Whittington."
Cheney said that due to a spate of recent cancellations, he "had a few openings" for a March sheep-hunting trip to Australia, and is inviting any wealthy American to apply to be his hunting partner.
