PITTSBURGH - A man wearing a Seattle Seahawks jersey walked into a North Side bar yesterday and was nearly beaten to death by a group of fun-loving members of the "Steeler Nation" that included ACLU attorney Vic Walczak. The man, forty-seven year old Brian O’Neill, told authorities he was known by the regulars of Schroms Garden Café on East Ohio Street as “someone who possessed a strong contrarian streak, as well as a full set of teeth.” Shortly after O’Neill entered the front door, according to police, the regulars decided to rid him of both. “I’m normally a first amendment absolutist,” said Walczak, who complained that he “scuffed up” a new pair of Johnson and Murphy dress shoes kicking a supine O’Neill about the head and shoulders. “But I can find nothing in the Constitution that would afford someone the right to walk into a Pittsburgh tavern, days before the Super Bowl, wearing officially-licensed NFL merchandise bearing the logo of the team that happens to be the Steelers' opponent. I do recall something from my law school days about not being allowed to yell 'fire' in a crowded theater -- not that I've ever invoked that analogy in any other instance. But that's precisely what this fool did here, and he deserved to be mercilessly -- no, savagely beaten."
Reached at home last night, O’Neill said he was looking forward to a steady diet of soup “for an indefinite period of time.” He also said he planned to watch the Super Bowl, “if the swelling around his eyes goes down” by Sunday.
