SEATTLE - Seattle Seahawks Coach Mike Holmgren, unable to bring home the Lombardi Trophy because he claims "the officials stole it from me," cryptically told loyal Seahawks fans the day after the Super Bowl that he was going to bring them "the real thing" instead. Over the weekend he made good on his promise and, with the help of five other men, Holmgren reportedly robbed the grave of legendary Green Bay Packers Coach Vince Lombardi. Holmgren presented the remains of the legendary coach to Seahawks' owner Paul Allen at a downtown ceremony yesterday afternoon. Lombardi, brilliantly portrayed by Ernest Borgnine in the 1973 ABC telefilm Legend in Granite, is widely regarded as the greatest coach in professional football history. Asked how he was able to remove Lombardi's remains without interference from security, Holmgren laughed. "The oldest trick in the book. I told them I was Joseph of Arimathea and that I was going to bury the coach in my personal crypt. Fortunately, they were sufficiently well-versed in the New Testament to know who I was referring to, and they handed over the remains."
At the formal presentation of the remains this afternoon, Seahawks owner Paul Allen was so overjoyed that he began to cry. "They [the Steelers] might have the Lombardi Trophy, but we've got the Lombardi!," he screamed while holding Lombardi's skeleton over his head in triumph. "Which would you rather have?" he yelled as the crowd roared its approval. "I'm going to have every player's name inscribed on these bones," he continued, "and then this is going in the display case in my office, next to the letter from Bill Gates kicking my ass out of Microsoft." Before Allen could say anything else, FBI agents jumped onto the stage and arrested him for conspiring to rob a grave. Holmgren waddled to a nearby phone booth where he tried unsuccessfully to elude the FBI by pretending to be a walrus just escaped from the Seattle Zoo.
