WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush announced today that he was nominating Pittsburgh Steeler linebacker Joey Porter, whom he called "a breath of fresh air," to fill the job of U.N. Secretary General when Koffi Annan leaves the position later this year. If confirmed by the UN's General Assembly, Porter would become the first linebacker ever to hold the position in the nearly sixty year history of the United Nations. "Joey [Porter] has shown himself to be a man who knows how to choose his words carefully," said the President. "He is a uniter, not a divider, and his conflict-resolution skills will serve him well in dealing with the many challenges he will face in leading the United Nations into a new era of peace, stability, and relevance." The President said he would be sending Porter on "goodwill" missions around the globe following the Super Bowl in an effort to win support for his candidacy. Porter is scheduled to meet with members of the Security Council Monday morning before leaving for a whirlwind trip that will take him to Chechnya, Rwanda, the Sudan, Haiti, Gaza, the West Bank and Iraq.
When asked by reporters during Media Day at the Super Bowl how he would deal with the Hamas victories in the recent Palestinian elections, Porter scowled. "Man, Hamas ain't nothing to me, you know what I'm sayin'? Fatah? They ain't nothing neither." When told that several European countries had already opposed his appointment, Porter's eyes widened. "That's all I need," he said. "I was asleep before, but that's all I need to wake me up. Those countries haven't proved anything, and they have no right to be trashing a man of my stature," he said. Porter declined to say whether or not he would conclude sessions of the General Assembly with his trademark "boot-kick." "I'll have to check the U.N. charter on that one," he said.
