WASHINGTON - After months of extensive examination, the CIA has confirmed that the voice on a privately owned cassette tape recorded during an “Open Mike” segment at a Hamburg comedy club several months before September 11, 2001 is the voice of Mohamed Atta, the hijacker who flew American Airlines Flight 11 into the World Trade Center. A report submitted to the Senate Intelligence Committee this morning theorizes that the poor reception by the Hamburg audience to Atta’s material may have motivated him to forsake a career in show business and become a mass murderer. The audio tape, which has circulated on various Islamic websites for nearly six months, was made at “Der Laff Haus,” a popular Hamburg nightspot frequented by many aspiring comics looking to establish a career in the lucrative field of Germanic comedy. “Atta delivers his material in a slow, Stephen Wright-ish kind of voice,” said Senator Richard Durbin (D-Illinois), who has examined the tape. “I would say he was trying to develop an act based on an 'observational style,' pointing out the everyday trials and aggravations that beset us all. He talked about going to the dry cleaners but forgetting his ticket. Or standing at a supermarket checkout express line behind someone who has exceeded the limit on items that can be scanned. But I thought it was telling that every joke ended with the same punch line: 'That makes me want to kill somebody.'"
Senator Durbin explained that "after a while, the audience just got sick of him, and they started to heckle.” Durbin said Atta’s attempt to steal Jeff Foxworthy’s schtick was a miserable failure. “He started with 'If you can see yourself in paradise with seven virgins, you might be an Islamic extremist!' and it just got worse. They booed him off the stage.” Audio samples of the tape, along with commentary from comedians Freddy Roman and Jack Carter, will be posted on the CIA website later today.
