WASHINGTON - Faced with the lowest ratings of his political career, President Bush held a news conference today in which he announced the hiring of famed real estate magnate and multimillionaire Donald Trump to “spice things up” around the White House for the remainder of his second term.
“I have heard from the American people, and I listen to what they’re saying,” said the President, reading from a prepared statement. “I have also seen the ratings for Mr. Trump’s television show, The Apprentice, and I believe that this guy with the hair – pointing to Mr. Trump – can do great things for our country.”
The President announced that effective immediately, he was putting his entire cabinet under the direct supervision of Mr. Trump. Mr. Trump and his staff will divide the Vice President, along with the heads of all fifteen executive branch departments, into two teams that will compete in a series of “challenges” each week. One member of the losing team will be “fired” by Mr. Trump in the Oval Office at the conclusion of a live program airing Monday nights during prime time on NBC.
“This is not only going to be great television,” said the President, “It’s going to be a great way to reduce the size of the federal government.”
As of press time, some cabinet members, among them Commerce Secretary Carlos Gutierrez and Agriculture Secretary Mike Johanns, were complaining that they were assigned impossible tasks. “We’re supposed to fly to Iraq and end the war by Sunday, or one of us will get the heave-ho from Trump,” said Johanns. “In contrast, all that Cheney has to do is 'not shoot anyone in the face for the next seven days.' It’s not fair.” The President said he has “absolute confidence in Mr. Trump,” adding that he hoped Secretaries Gutierrez and Johanns wouldn’t be kidnapped or killed by insurgents before next week's broadcast.
