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PITTSBURGH - The cantankerous, powerful business tycoon G. Ogden Nutting, who has been frustrated in his attempts to obtain complete control of the Pittsburgh Pirates baseball club for many years, announced that he planned to foreclose on the team within twenty-four hours. A press release issued by a representative of Old Man Nutting asserted: “In light of the fact that the Pittsburgh Pirates have begun the season by losing the first four games, it is my belief that owner Kevin McClatchy has overdrawn on his good will account with the fans of Pittsburgh. It is my opinion that he has defaulted on his pledge to the community to field a competitive team.” Mr. Nutting plans to sell the franchise, terminate all employees, beginning with the elderly and lame, and demolish PNC Park to build, in his words, “a world-class parking lot.”
A man who identified himself as Clarence answered the phone at Mr. McClatchy’s office and said that McClatchy was despondent and wishes he had never been born. He said that McClatchy blamed the Pirates poor start on a careless bookkeeping error by an elderly relative in the front office. Clarence also indicated that McClatchy was last seen walking in the direction of the Sixth Street Bridge. "I'm going to catch up with him," said Clarence. "I'll talk to him about Mr. Nutting’s takeover bid -- you know, show him a few things, just as soon as I finish my lunch” which consisted of a flaming rum punch.
Pittsburgh Pirates broadcaster Lanny Frattare said that McClatchy deserved sympathy. “Imagine buying this team and writing checks to players who do nothing but fail for thirteen seasons in a row. Kevin is the richest loser in town.”
