PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh Steeler quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, a man barely alive, is “resting comfortably,” according to his physician. Roethlisberger spent the night at Mercy Hospital after undergoing seven hours of surgery following injuries sustained in a motorcycle accident yesterday. Speaking to reporters, Dr. Rudy Wells was optimistic about Roethlisberger’s chances for recovery. “We can rebuild him,” said Wells. “We have the technology. We can make him better, stronger, faster than he ever was before.”
Wells offered a detailed explanation of the extent of Roethlisberger’s injuries and the technological enhancements added to his body as a result of the surgery. “Mr. Roethlisberger had severe damage to his left eye, right leg, and right arm. After consulting with team officials and Mr. Roethlisberger’s family, we decided the best way to proceed was to install new bionic software to Ben’s damaged limbs and eye. The bad news is that it’s going to be a grueling process for Ben to come back. The good news, however, is that he’ll be able to throw a football for a distance of at least three miles, jump in and out of a stadium at will, and read the charts and playbooks of opposing teams from hundreds of yards away.”
Wells said that Roethlisberger’s rehabilitation will be performed under the watchful eye of government bureaucrat Oscar Goldman, and that the total cost of the operation would exceed six million dollars.
