NUCLEAR-POWERED PEPSI BOTTLE ATOP RIGHT FIELD STANDS HAS MELTDOWN, LEAKS RADIOACTIVE CAFFEINE; NORTH SHORE IS ABUZZPITTSBURGH - The worst radioactive disaster in the history of PNC Park occurred in the second inning of last night's game against the Florida Marlins, leaving thousands of North Shore residents abuzz with caffeine poisoning.
As is customary when a Pirate hits a homerun, Jose Bautista's two-run blast with one out in the bottom of the second inning cued the giant nuclear-powered mechanical Pepsi bottle atop the right field stands to flash lights, sizzle and appear as if it were filling up. However, the bottle malfunctioned for reasons police and the Pepsi-Cola Company are still investigating, and it failed to stop sizzling.
Within minutes it was obvious that the bottle was experiencing a caffeine meltdown of significant proportions. The game was halted and fans were told to proceed to their cars in an orderly fashion. But caffeine fumes immediately filled the air, and exiting fans experienced severe restlessness and pronounced muscle twitching.
Veteran Pirates Joe Randa and Jeromy Burnitz started running the bases uncontrollably, much to the delight of Pirates manager Jim Tracy. "I haven't seen those old guys run like that all year," said Tracy. "I'm going to ask for a nuclear meltdown every night."
