PITTSBURGH - The beloved mascot of the Pittsburgh Pirates, the Pirate Parrot, went on a killing rampage at PNC Park in the fifth inning of the Pirates' loss against the Florida Marlins last night, killing 17 people and a vegetable, popular "Pierogi Race" character Jalapeno Hannah, before turning the gun on himself. This shocking photograph shows the Parrot seconds after he went berserk and began firing a mini-cannon at fans in the stands.
The Parrot had just climbed atop the visiting team's dugout, much to the delight of a group of young children clustered in the front row closest to him. He methodically removed a miniature cannon from a canvas bag and began loading it with ammunition. Then he took careful aim at long-time season ticket holder Bradleys Roadhouse sitting in Section 9, Row F, Seat 12, and literally blew his head off. Pirate broadcaster Greg Brown yelled at the top of his lungs: "I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW." Several fans lifted wisecracking vendor T.C. Congdon into the air, hoping he would become the next target, but Congdon somehow was spared. "The scary part was that throughout all the killing, [the Parrot's] eyes were lifeless," said Pirates manager Jim Tracy. "It was almost as if they were plastic."
The Parrot calmly proceeded to pick off 16 more people and the pierogi before taking his own life. When it was over, he lay motionless atop the dugout amidst the smoke from the gunfire. Green feathers floated gently onto the field, and a smell akin to burning chicken permeated the ballpark.
Police have not established a motive for the violent outburst, the worst at PNC Park since 2002 when Jim Rooker and Nellie King, inspired by the Columbine High killings, teamed up to kill 38 innocent fans as revenge for their terminations as Pirate broadcasters. Police suspect that the Parrot's attack may have been triggered by the frustration of trying to bring joy to Pirate fans in the midst what is shaping up to be a catastrophic losing season.
A private memorial will be conducted for the Parrot at the Pittsburgh Aviary tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. Police Chief Dom Costa asks that persons who are not invited stay away from the area. "We don't want to turn the Aviary into a zoo," the Chief said.
