ROME - The archaeological treasures emblematic of the Eternal City, the fabled ancient ruins of Rome, are in serious danger of being ruined, concludes a year-long study. The ruins are the victims of wear and tear caused by abusive tourists blissfully ignorant of their history. "Every piece of the Colosseum needs restoration," said Piero Meogrossi, the architect in charge of Italy's most popular tourist attraction. "People don't realize how difficult it is to maintain that look of dilipidation, of ruination. It doesn't just happen naturally, you know; we've had to work very, very hard at it." Meogrossi asked this news source to print the words "very, very" from the last sentence in all capital letters, and we agreed we would.
Meogrossi claims that before the tourists started to overrun the ruins in the '90's, "the Colosseum looked brand-spanking new, like Jacobs Field in Cleveland." He gestured sadly toward the proud old structure. "Look at it now," he sighs. "Scuff marks, gum and graffiti with lewd comments -- unspeakably lewd comments."
Meogrossi pauses but can't help but ask: "Speaking of graffiti, who in the hell is this Allison from Pittsburgh I keep reading about on the restroom walls? I understand this Allison from Pittsburgh really 'puts out.' Do you know her?" He pulls out a sheet of paper. "I copied down her phone number," he explained, "and in the interest of getting to the bottom of this whole business, I might just call this Allison from Pittsburgh."
Meogrossi shrugs his shoulders. "Who knows? Some good might come of these wretched tourists after all."
