REGAN'S CONCESSIONS TO KEEP SAKS FIFTH AVENUE DOWNTOWN "CAN ONLY BE ATTRIBUTED TO POSSESSION BY MURPHY," SAY EXPERTSPITTSBURGH - A team of exorcists arrived at the City-County Building this morning to drive out the ghost of former Mayor Tom Murphy from current Mayor Bob O'Connor's Chief of Staff Dennis Regan. Murphy is not dead, but experts in demonic possession say that Regan's desire to make concessions to keep Saks Fifth Avenue department store downtown can only be attributed to possession by Murphy.
Exorcist Father Eugene Gallagher explained: "Mayor Murphy was hell-bent, excuse the expression, on revitalizing downtown by luring and keeping department stores downtown that didn't want to be there. First there was Lazarus, then Lord and Taylor. This concept, of course, proved to be nothing short of madness. Yet Mr. Regan is giving every indication that he's following Mayor Murphy's playbook to the letter. People who study such things believe this conduct can only be attributed to demonic possession."
Regan dismisses any necessity for an exorcism, claiming he's just trying to get the retailer more loading dock and parking space -- "something we'd look into doing for any business downtown," Regan said. When staff members of The Carbolic Smoke Ball asked Regan for similar concessions for their downtown office, Regan flew into a demonic rage and told them to "go to hell!"
