LATROBE, Pa - After a morning practice in which trash-talking linebacker Joey Porter delivered a non-stop barrage of insults ridiculing women, homosexuals, Mexicans, Asians, Republicans, Christians, African-Americans, Arabs, the Irish and Jews, Coach Bill Cowher pronounced himself “satisfied that Joey is rounding into mid-season form.” Cowher also noted that Porter seemed to be breaking in some new material. “It wasn’t just the same old sexual boasts and imprecations concerning the nocturnal habits of his teammates’ sisters, aunts, mothers and grandmothers. Joey just hit every ethnic group imaginable. And he hit them hard. I was in stitches.” When asked by reporters afterward about his fresh new approach to belittling opponents, Porter was quick to give credit to his off-season tutor. “I spent a lot of time this winter working out with Don Rickles. We probably spent four to six hours a day insulting people, mining every racial and ethnic stereotype available in an attempt to master the art of verbal assault.”
Porter said he began to notice something was lacking in his performance last year during the first Cincinnati game. “I was calling Chad Johnson every thing I could think of, and he just shrugged. He told me he’d heard it all before, and that my material was so lame I wouldn’t last two minutes at an Open Mike Night. That’s when I knew I had to get help.” Porter said he instructed his agent to hire Rickles, the so-called “Merchant of Venom,” as his personal insult trainer immediately after he returned from the Pro Bowl in Hawaii. Porter also said he’s looking forward to the season opener against Miami. “Don gave me a lot of good stuff to use against the Dolphins. Especially when he found out they have a black quarterback.” He also said that while he hoped the Steelers would be able to get back to the Super Bowl, he was focusing on a much more important goal. “At this stage in my career, I just want to get into the Friars Club.”
