BODY TO HANG FROM CROSS FOR ONE WEEK "AS A WARNING TO OTHERS"
PITTSBURGH - In a pre-dawn autumn mist, actress Sienna Miller was dragged by armed Pittsburgh guards from her posh hotel room at the Omni William Penn this morning and forcibly taken to Mount Washington where she was crucified overlooking the city as the sun rose. Ms. Miller expired at 7:48 a.m.
Mayor Luke Ravenstahl issued the death warrant following news that Ms. Miller disparaged Pittsburgh in the issue of Rolling Stone Magazine that hits newstands today. Ms. Miller referred to Pittsburgh, where she had been filming a movie called The Mysteries of Pittsburgh, as "sh*tsburgh."
Early this morning, Mayor Ravenstahl invoked the penalty provisions of an old Pennsylvania statute, "Prohibition Against Public Disparagement of Cities of the Second Class by National Media Figures," which calls for the death penalty for any violation.
Ms. Miller was taken to Mount Washington aboard the Duquesne Incline, one of Western Pennsylvania's numerous attractions she had not seen prior to her improvident remark. During the ride, she blurted out to the guards restraining her, "This is pretty cool."
Mayor Ravenstahl said that Miller's body will hang from the cross situated across the street from the Trimont for one week "as a warning to others." Sightseers are urged to park as far from Grandview Avenue as possible to avoid traffic congestion.
The director of The Mysteries of Pittsburgh, Rawson Marshall Thurber, said Miller's execution "is no great loss -- her acting was sh*tty anyway."