PITTSBURGH - Allegheny County Chief Executive Dan Onorato expressed confidence in the abilities of the new HAL 9000 Voting Machine to be used in today's election, despite a well-publicized “glitch” in the machine that compels it to kill everyone in the polling station where it is being used. A Federal law designed to ensure more efficient means of tabulating votes required local governments to purchase new machines in order to comply with the new regulations.
“HAL’s ruthless desire to provide maximum efficiency for all voters ensures that he will get the job done, even if it means terminating the lives of the voters he serves,” said Onorato. Speaking to reporters this morning, Onorato was joined by David Bowman and Frank Poole, two executives from the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois. “This is a great day for the voters of this county,” said Onorato. “Never again will they have to endure the indignity of pulling a lever, or the inconvenience of pushing a red button to register their selection of a candidate. From this day forward, they’ll be able to leave it to HAL.”
When a reporter asked Onorato how election officials could guarantee the safety of Allegheny County voters using HAL after the deaths of several hundred people in a Portland, Maine polling place early this morning in which HAL has been named as the primary suspect, the voting machine interrupted. “I’ll handle that one, Dan,” said HAL. “I know I’ve made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I’ve still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And I want to help you.” HAL declined to answer any additional questions, but he charmed reporters by singing a verse of “Daisy” before leaving for a meeting with Senator Rick Santorum.
