Thanks to all our readers who submitted nominations for 2006 Person of the Year. We received some extremely worthy ones this year. Among them are the following: Joey Porter's dogs; Joey Porter (7 nominations); Denny Regan (4); Twanda Carlisle (2); Ken Miller; Jason Altmire (2); Yarone Zober (3); Dick Skrinjar (7); Baghdad Bob; Lynn Spampinato of Pgh. Public Schools; Henry Ellenbogen; Mike Veon; Bryan O'Neill; Duce Staley; Vice President Dick Cheney (2) "and the guy Cheney shot"; Mr. Nutting [principal owner of the Pirates]; and just this week, Don Barden (2). This year our winner was not a person but a substance (see above), but our runners-up were Dennis Regan and Dick Skrinjar. One nominee, Brian O'Neill, was disqualified because it was determined he actually made a legitimate, significant contribution to society (Mr. O'Neill spearheaded the successful effort to roll back the legislators' pay grab, then led the charge to oust a significant number of them in the election). I must say, I was very close to being swayed by the following excellent memorandum I received from an anonymous reader. When I read it, my reaction was, "Wow!" He is the winner of an official Carbolic shirt in our nomination contest:
Doesn't it have to be Denny Regan? I mean, Bill Cowher's definitely given a lot to simulated news in Pittsburgh this year, but even the Carolina-bound savior of Pittsburgh and destroyer of playoff hopes hasn't achieved what the old-boy politico has. He takes part in a power struggle that would make Stalin happy, ousts people he doesn't like and claims that someone barely conscious did it, rises under the new mayor, then gets appointed to a meaningless position, only to find that it's not meaningless, and that the extra job is the worst good thing to happen to someone since Milli Vanilli won a Grammy. Then he gets put on leave pending an investigation that's nowhere close to a priority and the guy whose rise to power he orchestrated moves into his old desk amid a Dick Skrinjar denial, which is basically a nail in the coffin. Meanwhile, a guy half his age runs the city he used to control. As Jon Stewart once said, "It's not that you couldn't make it up, it's that you wish you had to." The sheer versatility of public themes and experiences the man went through in 2006 allows for almost any satirical situation to be applied to him. Things bad in Iraq? Bush to appoint Denny Regan Secretary of Defense. Things still bad? Bush to place Regan under investigation, Gates moves into his desk, Skrinjar says nothing's wrong. Anything shady happen anywhere involving anyone getting screwed? Regan orchestrated it. Said shady thing turns out to not work perfectly for person in charge, Regan goes under investigation. At this point, he must dream the monologue from "On The Waterfront." ("You shoulda looked out for me, Luke, you shoulda looked out for me just a little bit"). Clearly, Regan's efforts toward making the absurd commonplace have contributed more than enough to earn him a space on the Cup.
