NEW YORK - After weeks of careful ballot counting by volunteers from the Dade County Board of Elections that winnowed the candidates to a select few, followed by days of intense deliberations marred by hair-pulling, eye-poking and face-slapping that ended only with the last-minute intervention of United States Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, the Carbolic Smoke Ball is proud to announce - for the first time in our illustrious history - that our Person of the Year is, in fact, the Substance of the Year. And the winner is: POLONIUM 210
Never in all our days have we observed a more efficient way to rid oneself of troublesome enemies than new Polonium 210, the odorless, colorless, invisible radioactive poison developed by the KGB and determined as the cause of death for pain-in-the neck Russian spy Alexander Litvinenko. Some are calling Polonium 210 an accessory to state-sponsored murder. That’s preposterous. We call Polonium 210 progress. Think of the profound implications such a product will have for the average American. Imagine being able to rub out the person sitting next to you on a bus or trolley chattering away on a cell phone with one quick swab of this deadly miracle substance. Or being able to terminate the conversation of the annoying couple – and the annoying couple themselves - sitting in front of you in a crowded theater. Not to mention having the power at your carefully protected fingertips to say goodbye – forever – to the nettlesome neighbors, nagging spouses, door-to-door canvassers and free-loading in-laws that add immeasurable amounts of aggravation to our existence. The time has come to make Polonium 210 available to every American who needs a quick, effective, lethal solution to the maddening daily irritants of modern life. We urge the FDA to approve Polonium 210 for widespread public distribution and over the counter sales as quickly as possible.
The winning entry in our 2007 Person of the Year Contest was submitted by President Vladimir Putin of Russia. We are pleased to announce that President Putin has won a Carbolic Smoke Ball Tee-Shirt. One of the illegal child immigrants toiling in our subterranean factory is even now preparing this handsome, sure-to-be a collector’s item for overnight delivery to the Kremlin, so it will arrive by Christmas.
We would also like to thank a few other loyal readers for their participation. Vice-President Cheney, Senator Santorum, Ms. Hilton, Ms. Ritchie, Ms. Spears, Mr. Bin Laden – your arguments were persuasive, but, alas, not persuasive enough.
Better luck next year.
