WASHINGTON, D.C. - Only days after the release of a joint report by the Pentagon and the State Department criticizing the Afghan police as "incapable of performing routine police work," President Bush announced that he had sent special police envoy Joe Friday to the region in an attempt to turn things around. "Joe has my complete support," said President Bush. "I am certain he will bring the same tough approach to battling the Taliban that he brought to the fight against hippies, drug users, con artists and peaceniks." Friday, a fifty-three year veteran of the Los Angeles Police Department, was sent to Afghanistan several days prior to the official release of the report. He met with reporters via video conference. "This is the city," he began. "Kabul, Afghanistan." He then explained that he had been working the evening shift out of bunko division for the past forty-eight hours. "My partner's name is Hamid," he said. "I carry a badge."
When asked by James Glanz of the New York Times how he would improve the quality of work done by the Afghan police, Friday cast a knowing glance at his partner. Both men shook their heads in disgust. Then, Friday began. "Let me tell you one thing, you fresh punk," he said in a low growl. "When I'm through teaching these men how to walk without moving their arms, speak in terse, complete sentences, and never let a bad guy have the last word, the Afghan police will be the finest law enforcement organization in the world." Sergeant Friday said he would gladly meet with the press periodically to debrief them on the status of his mission. He promised to be candid. "The stories you will hear are true," he said. "However, on occasion, the names may be changed to protect the innocent."
