WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush issued an executive order today compelling Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice to bear a child she can sacrifice to the Iraq War. The order set no timetables for the conception or delivery of the child. However, it stipulates that the child will become the property of the Department of Defense within twenty-four months of age. Speaking with reporters at his Pentagon office, Secretary of Defense William Gates welcomed the news. “A two year old with exceptional crawling ability will give us greater flexibility in dealing with the insurgency,” he said.
Critics of the President insist his order is merely a reflexive, knee-jerk reaction to criticism of Ms. Rice by Senator Barbara Boxer (D-California) on Capitol Hill last week. In hearings held before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee, Senator Boxer chided Ms. Rice, saying the Secretary would not be “paying a price” for the war in Iraq because she has no children, or grandchildren. White House Press Secretary Tony Snow dismissed the remarks of Congressional Democrats as nothing more than naked partisanship. “The President is excited about our new 'Win a Date With The Secretary of State' contest,” he said. “It’s going to give Condi some much-needed down – and I do mean down–time, and it’s going to show the American people that we’re all doing our part to win this war.” Mr. Snow added that he hoped Senator Boxer would follow the example set by Secretary Rice. “The sooner she gets pregnant, the better,” he said. “You never know how soon we’re going to need another troop surge.”
