UPMC, South Side -- Under the advisement of Allegheny County Executive Dan Onorato, Pittsburgh Mayor Luke Ravenstahl has agreed to undergo an unprecedented and unproven procedure that, according to Onorato, "might make him sound like a human being." Ravenstahl will be placed inside a futuristic machine alongside KDKA TV’s political editor Jon Delano, in an effort to blend their voices so that Ravenstahl's monotone will be diffused with normal voice inflections. One of the benefits of the procedure is that some of the melody will be extracted from Delano's "sing-songy" delivery.
The two will enter a machine known as a FLY (according to a UPMC public relations officer, “some Gen-X doodle-head has yet to make up a clever acronym for that"), and their DNA will be transformed into “billions and billions of invisible particles in the air which will mix and swirl around.”
“The Mayor and Mr. Delano will then be genetically reconstructed into their separate selves, and come out together via an identical machine located on the other side of the room -- which isn’t really necessary, because technically, they could just come out of that first machine, but you can’t argue with it because it certainly adds to the dramatic effect, don't you think?” said the public relations officer.
Ravenstahl says he looks forward to participating in the landmark event: “I’m humbled by all of this, and expect to continue to do so. But for our city to move forward, it’s a necessary step and a risk I‘ve agreed to take.”
Delano is considerably less excited about the procedure. Doctors say it is slightly riskier because of his age and occupation. Reportedly, he signed on after bowing to pressure from KDKA management, who think that although he is "absolutely brilliant, he just doesn’t talk like the other reporters and anchors, or for that matter, the other human beings.”
The leader of the medical team noted, “You could say this is a great example of trying to kill two birds with one stone, but that might give people the wrong impression. These are serious quality-of-life issues we’re trying to deal with.”
The event will occur at the UPMC indoor practice center on the South Side this coming Saturday at 10 a.m. Tickets are now on sale for the public, and all proceeds will go toward the erection of more billboards featuring Ravenstahl’s photo.