DEATH VALLEY - The Roadrunner, long-time member of the Looney Tunes Animated Team, has tested positive for performance enhancing drugs. An official from the International Organization of Cartoon Racing (IOCR), speaking on condition of anonymity, confirmed that the second doping sample supplied by the Roadrunner tested positive for higher-than allowable amounts of synthetic testosterone.
The Roadrunner has competed against Wile E. Coyote in thousands of races on the American Southwest circuit for over forty years. He has never lost. Skeptics have often claimed his undefeated record is tainted. Additional suspicions were raised this past winter when FBI agents raided the ACME Laboratory in Cucamonga , California. It is alleged that numerous files embossed with the name ROADRUNNER were removed from the laboratory.
Reached by reporters at his home, where he was putting the finishing touches on a rocket filled with TNT, Mr. Coyote was indignant. “I always suspected something was amiss. No wonder he was able to paint such convincing backdrops against mountain walls so quickly. No wonder he was capable of driving trains and trucks that left me flattened, or worse, shaped like an accordion.” Mr. Coyote said he felt cheated, but he hoped the IOCR would do the right thing. “There has to be sanctions for this kind of behavior.” Mr. Coyote offered a possible solution. “If they would give me the opportunity, just once, to grab him by his scrawny neck and rip him to pieces with my razor-sharp canine teeth, devouring his flesh ever-so-slowly, I’d be willing to call it even.”