PITTSBURGH - A federal grand jury has indicted Aunt Penny, long-time spokeswoman for Kenny Ross and Sons, a Pittsburgh automobile dealership, on charges of operating a dogfighting ring based at a property she owns in southeastern Virginia.
According to information provided to the IRS on her most recent tax returns, the property in question was used exclusively for the production and distribution of her legendary elderberry preserves. U.S. Attorney Mary Beth Buchanan announced the indictment at a press conference yesterday afternoon. “We believe Aunt Penny is the mastermind behind a vast criminal enterprise that subjects animals to inhumane and barbarous treatment for profit. Today, we’re putting her out of business.”
If convicted, Aunt Penny could face up to six years in prison and a three-hundred and fifty thousand dollar fine. Buchanan refused to confirm reports that Aunt Penny recruited Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick to assist her in running the dogfighting ring. Aunt Penny and Vick enjoyed a brief, but torrid relationship during Vick’s rookie season. A federal grand jury in Richmond indicted Vick on similar charges last week.
A spokesman for Kenny Ross and Sons Chevrolet issued a statement last evening. “We are shocked and dismayed that a member of our organization could be implicated in such nefarious activities. Nonetheless, this is America, and Aunt Penny hasn’t been convicted of any crime. We urge all of our customers to give her the benefit of the doubt pending a full and fair recitation of the facts at trial.”