Bonds Head Upgraded to Dwarf Planet Status

SAN FRANCISCO -- The International Astronomical Union, the same body that revoked Pluto's status as a planet, has upgraded Barry Bonds head to Dwarf Planet. The IAU's review was conducted after Bonds' head pulled a satellite or moon into it's ever increasing gravitational field. The object, which appears to be the fugitive frozen head of Red Sox legend Ted Williams, orbits Bonds head every .006 seconds; at that speed, it is barely visible to the naked eye. Characteristically. Bonds refuses to talk about the object but teammates have reported hearing the moon say, "Hey Barry, you suck," and making barking noises at him during at-bats. Bonds' teammates have been losing small objects to Bonds' gravitational field for weeks, including keys, change, ipods, and phones. The objects usually burn up in in seconds.

Renowned astrophysicist Steven Hawking commented, "The size of Bonds head far surpasses many objects in Kuiper Belt [a ring of rocks and comets surrounding the outer solar system]. You can see it from space with the naked eye, it has gravity and is forming an atmosphere. Barry Bonds head has all the building blocks to create new forms of life, and that's very exciting."

Williams family members have confirmed that they suspect their father's head may have been drawn into Bonds orbit and that it may have been intentional. "At this point, I think Dad would do anything to get to the All-Star game, even put up with Barry's egomania," said Williams' daughter Theodora.