NEW YORK - It's time to reopen the Statue of Liberty's vagina to the public, says Rep. Anthony Weiner (D-Forest Hills).
In the aftermath of the September 11 attacks, the National Park Service installed a heavy-gauge steel chastity device to keep the anatomically correct Lady Liberty from being violated by terrorist projectiles.
"We were scared witless that the Lady might be captured by Islamic Fascists who would have their way with her," explained National Park Service Director Noah Swayne. "One can only imagine the diseases those Mideastern fanatics would have transmitted with their big, ugly missiles."
The chastity belt not only kept the terrorists out, it kept the public out as well. It has never been removed, much to the disappointment of thousands of visitors. Jordan Jones, 17, arrived at Liberty Island yesterday after driving all night with five friends from Pittsburgh. "Me and my boys were, like, planning to pay a call on the lady's inner sanctum, dude," Mr. Jones explained.
Waiting in line, Mr. Jones sneaked a spray of breath freshener and his friends combed their hair. But their hopes were shattered by a park ranger who explained to them that "that part" of the statue is still not open to the public. The boys let loose a string of expletives, then consoled themselves with a visit to the first mammary glands of liberty, a little higher up.
Rep. Weiner says it's time to remove the chastity belt. "For generations of red-blooded American boys, a visit to Lady Liberty's fish factory has been a rite of passage," he explained in a written statement. "Unlike the terrorists, the only thing infectious about these boys are their high jinks and youthful exuberance."
"As long as Lady Liberty's vagina remains closed," Representative Wiener added, "the Islamo-Fascists win, and the average American teen male loses."