WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush signed an executive order yesterday transferring United States Marshal Matthew Dillon from his current jurisdiction in Dodge City, Kansas to Homewood. The transfer is effective immediately. “Marshall Dillon is a lawman with impeccable credentials,” said the President. “He has, through the force of his personality, and excellent marksmanship, brought many a bad man to justice. I am confident he will be able to use those same skills to bring order to the streets of Homewood .”
The President said Dillon’s transfer was proof that his pledge to rid inner-city neighborhoods of the scourge of cattle-rustling was “something he takes seriously.”
Marshall Dillon spoke to reporters while packing personal effects in his Dodge City office shortly after receiving his new assignment. “The first thing I’m going to do when I get to Homewood is talk to the locals and let them know I’m on their side. The blacksmith's stable should be a good place to start.”
Dillon said he would miss Dodge City, particularly the gentle, homoerotic verbal jousting between his faithful deputy Festus Haggen and Dr. Galen Adams. “I’ve always believed Doc had a thing for Festus, if you know what I mean,” said Dillon, with a wink. Residents of Homewood said they were looking forward to the arrival of their new Marshal. Miss Kitty Russell, proprietress of the Long Branch Convenience Store and Lotto, was particularly excited. “I can hardly wait to begin a long-smoldering passion for Marshall Dillon that will remain unrequited,” said Russell. “I haven’t been this excited since they repealed prohibition.”
