Sen Craig: "I am Sooooo not gay

"WASHINGTON -- Sen. Larry Craig, R-Idaho, today announced that he had completed a nationwide, undercover sting operation against a suspected ring of airport-based gay police officers he said have been cruising bathroom stalls.

"As part of my ongoing probe, I recently went so far as to pose as a Nancy Boy at the Minneapolis Airport where I was able to identify a homosexual undercover police officer who brazenly allowed me to tap his foot, peer into his stall and engage in hand signals," the senator announced. "As part of my undercover role, I was even able to penetrate the sanctum sanctorum of gay life, the airport court, where I managed to plead guilty to disorderly and peeping charges, both long known as signals used in the gay police community as a 'come on' for sex. Before I was able to actually nab these people in an actual sex act by allowing them to rub my buttocks, the liberal media blew my cover."

Sen. Craig, long known as an advocate of traditional family values, said his investigation took him to airport restrooms across the nation as well as to several bars at which he went undercover by dressing in a ball gown, high heels and mascara, posing as a lesbian in hopes of uncovering gay sex by policewomen.

In a lengthy statement to reporters, Sen. Craig demanded that law enforcement crack down on gay restroom police sex and vowed to continue his probe "even if I have to wear a disguise like maybe a sequined blue jumper over lace panties and an underwire bra."

Fellow conservatives hailed Sen. Craig's efforts to crack down on gay sex, calling him "a man of vision, perception and great thighs." "Where liberal Democrats talk about so-called tolerance and acceptance, Larry Craig has been forthright in his pursuit of the people who would endanger traditional marriage between a man and
several women," said Sen. Orrin Hatch, R-Utah.

Sen. Hatch's views were echoed by Sen. David Vitter, R-La., who warned against interpreting Craig's one-man sting as a sign of intolerance.

"I know Larry Craig like I know my own wife," Sen. Vitter said. "He's an open and decent man who simply wants to protect the American family from the gay agenda. Neither Larry nor myself have personal animosity toward these lithe young law officers who clearly need guidance. I have nothing, for instance, against lesbians. I have all of their movies."

Not all conservative leaders were ready to forgive, however. "Larry Craig is right to try to bust these sickos, but they must be punished as a warning to others," said conservative evangelist Ted Haggard, who won plaudits from pro-family groups last summer for his extensive undercover work in the gay massage-and-narcotics trade in the western states. "These people ought to be whipped. First they ought to be lashed across their naked buttocks with whips. And not just ordinary whips, either. Whips with little pieces of metal on the end. And it ought to be videotaped and put online. That'd teach those sickos a little decency."