ATLANTA - Warden Hazen, the sadistic, football-loving head of the Southern Regional Correctional Facility in Georgia, will select disgraced former Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick with the first pick in next year’s Federal Prison League draft.
“I can see it now,” said a smiling Hazen. “I’m standing on the podium with my newest star inmate, and Michael is holding up his personalized Mean Machine No. 7 uniform for the cameras.”
Vick has indicated he will accept a plea bargain next week on charges he operated a dog-fighting ring out of his Virginia home. As part of his agreement with prosecutors, Vick is expected to serve between twelve and eighteen months in prison. Hazen was ecstatic. “That means we’re going to have him for at least one season, maybe two.” At the end of his sentence, following a series of comic misadventures, Vick is expected to quarterback a racially diverse team of criminal misfits in a brutal, but often brutally funny game of football against a hand-picked team of prison guards. If history is any indication, Vick will seal a dramatic victory by taking the ball himself, rolling left in slow motion, then right in slow-motion, finally leaping across the goal line as time expires for the winning touchdown.
“I certainly hope that doesn’t happen to us again,” said Warden Hazen. “Although it does seem to happen to us in every game we play. It’s like I’ve been watching the same movie for the last thirty years.”