PITTSBURGH - Contrary to expectations that the new casino will bring crime to the North Shore, a new study concludes just the opposite -- the North Shore will bring crime to the casino.
A Rollings Institute study said that the typical casino patron will be a 71-year-old woman visiting with a church group. Henry Rollings explained the study's conclusions: "Those old gals won't stand a chance between the North Shore's roving youth gangs looking to rob, rape and possibly mutilate the bodies of the elderly, and the drunken, belligerent Steeler fans who have no compunction about pissing all over them. Never mind about winning a few shekels at the slots, the real trick for casino-goers will be to stay alive."
Casino owner Don Barden said there's only one way to make his patrons feel safe. "We need to rid the North Shore of every last negro, and the Steelers."
