Bush Makes Ultimate Sacrifice

WASHINGTON - In a candid interview, President Bush declared that in 2003 he stopped masturbating "with this hand" out of respect for the families of Americans killed in the war in Iraq.

"I don't want some mom whose son may have recently died to know the Commander-in-Chief could be spanking the monkey in the Lincoln bedroom," Bush said Tuesday. "I feel I owe it to the families to be in solidarity as best as I can with them. And I think waxing the weasel during a war just sends the wrong signal. It sends a -- I don't know -- masturbatory message."

Bush also noted that vice President Cheney recently gave up shooting people in the face as a means to boost troop morale.