NEW YORK - The Coors Light Train, the high-speed means by which refreshing, frost-brewed Coors is magically delivered to the parched throats of grateful consumers, plowed through a crowded mid-town office building yesterday afternoon killing and maiming hundreds of people. Authorities suspect alcohol was a factor in what the tabloids are calling “The Great Happy Hour Disaster.” The conductor reportedly failed a field sobriety test and remains in police custody.

Survivors recalled hearing the faint sounds of a once-popular song by The O’Jays entitled “Love Train” and feeling a stiff, chilly breeze just before the train, known as “The Silver Bullet,” hit the building. “It was awful,” said David Corbett, a janitor who works the evening shift. “Everywhere I looked there was nothing but twisted steel and bodies. I moved about the survivors, emptying cans of delicious, Rocky-Mountain cold Coors down their throats, but I fear I may have done more harm than good," said Corbett. “I think a couple people may have choked to death.”

Coors Chairman Peter Coors issued a statement early this morning expressing his sorrow. “The tears I have shed for the victims and their families are as bitter as the natural Rocky Mountain spring water that we use to brew Coors is pure.” Coors promised the full cooperation of everyone in the company with law enforcement and public safety officials as they begin their investigation.