PIRATES THREATEN TO LEAVE TOWN UNLESS THEY GET NEW BALLPARK

Team unveils proposed new stadium

Pirates’ owner Bob Nutting said today that if the Pirates don’t get a new publicly funded ballpark within five years, the team will leave town.

Nutting wants the team to move into a cavernous, multi-purpose stadium with artificial turf, where the fans are far away from the action and there are no distracting views of the city skyline. “Fans won’t even realize they’re watching baseball in Pittsburgh,” he explained. “All they’ll see are seats.”“

Previous ownership didn’t realize that Three Rivers Stadium was perfect,” said Nutting, who promised that a new stadium would allow the team to be more competitive. “I can’t wait for the implosion party when we tear down that PNC Park dump.”