(Guantanamo Bay, Cuba ) - Khalid Shaikh Mohammad, self-described mastermind of the 9/11 terror attacks that killed over twenty-nine hundred people, will tell a military judge here this morning that he no longer wishes to represent himself at his trial. A source close to the proceedings says that Mr. Mohammad has retained the services of attorneys Perry Mason, Matlock, and Owen Marshall, Counselor at Law, to handle his defense. “Khalid is confident he’ll be out on the street planning new terror attacks by Tuesday afternoon,” the source said.
The so-called “Mason, Matlock, Marshall Dream Team” has tried over nine-thousand cases combined in a cumulative career that spans over seven decades of practicing law. They have won acquittals for their clients nine-thousand times. The U.S. attorney prosecuting the case, Hamilton Burger, said he welcomed the challenge of doing battle with Mr. Mason in court. “The government’s case is air-tight,” he said. “I don’t see how we lose.”
A review of Mr. Burger’s prosecutorial record in matters he described as either “air-tight” or “open and shut” reveals the government failed to win a verdict of guilty over six-thousand times. Asked to comment, Mr. Burger admitted he’s “been on a bit of a losing streak.” A spokesman for Mr. Mason said he looked forward to working with Mr. Matlock and Mr. Marshall to provide a high-quality defense that will allow the jury to reach a verdict of not-guilty within one hour, or, forty-four minutes if you discount commercials. “I think when you combine Perry’s superhuman powers of deductive reasoning with Matlock’s folksy charm and homespun wit, and add the brilliant oratorical skills of Owen Marshall, Counselor at Law, history shows you’re getting top-notch legal representation that can’t be beat.”
