Where have all the shirtless young men gone?

Commentary by Rosacea M. Swayne - As a deeply religious Republican Christian lady, I detest all the sex, sex, sex on television nowadays. You can't turn on the "boob tube" without being inundated with it. The medium has become a cesspool, an open sewer, a pit of putrefaction, a slimy gathering of all that is rotten in the debris of human depravity. Turn on any channel and it's the same thing: sweaty bodies lost in carnal passion, writhing in sinful, premarital sexual romps for the prurient pleasure of Americans who insist on being chronically aroused. NO PERSON WITH ANY MORALS watches this filth, but the vast majority of Americans have no moral compass whatsoever, let's be honest. The producers of these shameful exhibitions, and the viewers luxuriating in them, are all going to hell, each one of them, and you heard it here first.

I grew up in a time when morality held sway, thank you very much. Back then, on a hot day like today (surpassing 90 degrees), a girl wouldn't need to watch these dirty things on television in order to be exposed -- IN A HEALTHY, RELIGIOUS WAY -- to members of the opposite sex. All she had to do was go outside and there they were in all their shirtless wonder.

I can still picture it: lithe, muscular boys in their late teens and early twenties frolicking in the majesty of their budding manhood; perspiration highlighting their well-toned pecs; their sweat-soaked shorts accenting tight, beautiful asses and vibrant genitalia. We didn't need HBO AND ITS UTTER FILTH; we were exposed to sexuality in RELIGIOUS, MORAL, HEALTHY WAYS because our imaginations supplied all we needed to know about what each of these boys looked like completely naked -- from the size and shape of their penises down to the dimples in their asses. Later, in the still of the night, we reflected on these images that we witnessed in the stark light of day -- IN A HEALTHY, MORAL WAY -- as we pleasured ourselves like animals, fantasizing that their pulsating manhoods were throbbing in and out -- in and out -- in and out of us. It was all VERY MORAL AND RELIGIOUS. And we would never dream of tuning into a cable channel to lead us down the path of hell.

Which leads me to the obvious question: where are all the shirtless young men today? Over the past several years they have all but completely disappeared from the public square. Have they grown fat and ashamed to display their out-of-shape bodies in public, the product of too much INTERNET PORN AND IMMORAL VIDEO GAMES and not enough exercise? Whatever the problem, they are depriving a generation of girls of GOOD, MORAL AND HEALTHY sexual fantasies. And they are going straight to hell for that. You heard it here first.