WASHINGTON, DC - Illinois Senator Barack Obama shocked supporters and pundits alike yesterday when, after a series of gaffes, controversial advisors, and questionable decisions, he renounced himself and disavowed his own campaign.

At a hastily called press conference, the presumptive Democratic nominee read the following prepared statement:

"I am outraged by the mistakes I've made and saddened over the spectacle I've become. I've known myself all my life. The politician I am today isn't the politician I was 12 years ago. Some of the things I've said and done aren't just divisive and destructive; they're stupid. I believe they end up giving comfort to those who prey on hate. And old-time politics. And hypocritical Democrats who don't practice what they preach. I believe they don't portray accurately the perspective of a black candidate. They certainly don't portray accurately my values and beliefs. At least as I have described them over and over again. And if I think this really is a new kind of politics, then I don't know myself as well as I thought. And so I renounce myself, and disavow my campaign, in the strongest way possible."

Asked if this meant he would decline the nomination or drop out of the race, Obama replied, "Hell, no. I beat that [expletive] fair and square, and now I'm gonna beat that old [expletive] too. I'm the man!"