Last weekend, Peter Pan, the magical boy "who wouldn't grow up," experienced a three-inch growth spurt and sprouted facial and chest hair for the first time, leading him to panic in a voice that noticeably cracked, "I've lost my cachet, I'm becoming a man!"
Mr. Pan attributed the sudden onset of puberty to his use of a clear substance and a cream that he received from his personal strength trainer, Greg Anderson, who also previously served as Barry Bonds' trainer. Anderson told Mr. Pan that the substances were the nutritional supplement flaxseed oil and a rubbing balm for arthritis when, in reality, they were anabolic steroids. Friends say that Mr. Pan is "livid" and determined to "sue Anderson's ass off."
Since the growth spurt, Mr. Pan reportedly spends every night at a local strip club satisfying a sudden interest in girls.