Pittsburgh's troubled River Rescue fleet taps Captain Quint

Pittsburgh’s troubled River Rescue fleet has turned to veteran helmsman Captain Quint to take command of the unit.

The crusty old salt got the job after screeching his fingernails on a blackboard during a city council meeting, causing some council members to think that former Mayor Masloff was speaking.

Captain Quint agreed to assume command of the fleet on condition that all the River Rescue vessels be scrapped in favor of his seasoned boat, The Orca, and that the entire crew be fired. “There are too many captains on this island,” he explained.

Captain Quint scoffed at suggestions that he is going to need a bigger boat and insisted that his vessel can handle any size shark that might surface on the Ohio River.