Pope roughs up priest who leaked church information

VATICAN CITY — The Vatican arrested Father Lucio Angel Vallejo on suspicion of leaking classified church information, and an insider said that Pope Francis gave the priest "a pretty good beating" during a police interrogation.

Father Federico Lombardi, Vatican spokesman, denied reports that Pope Francis beat the suspect. Father Vallejo was arrested over the weekend and was treated with "the utmost respect and dignity" while Vatican police questioned him, said Lombardi. Lombardi added that he "thinks" the pontiff "stopped by to ask the priest a few questions," but that "it was all very cordial, consistent with Pope Francis's overriding message of mercy and forgiveness."

A Vatican insider, who asked to remain anonymous, painted a different picture.

"The Pope walked into the holding cell and told the Swiss Guard to 'hold him straight.'" The Swiss Guard propped up Father Vallejo, then, without any warning, the pontiff gave the priest "a vicious right to the mouth," drawing audible groans from horrified onlookers. Several of Father Vallejo's teeth fall to the ground, and blood spurted from his mouth.

The Pope handed the priest a handkerchief. 

"Here you go kid, wipe off your mouth," the pontiff told him. "Now you know the score around here, From now on, we're going to get along just fine, you and me."

Pope Francis proceeded to interrogate the priest for more than seven hours without stopping. "Most of it was Francis yelling at Vallejo at the top of his lungs in between slapping him on the side of the head trying to force him to confess." At one point, the pontiff told the priest that the Catholic Church had taken his mother and sisters "to a secure location" where they would be beaten until Vallejo confessed.

In the end, Father Vallejo lost consciousness and Pope Francis disgustedly sprang to his feet and darted from the room. Onlookers reported the pontiff's white vestments were strewn with blood and that the Pope had blood on his knuckles as he strode into Saint Peter's Basilica.

Father Lombardi scoffed when he was asked about the blood. "Pope Francis cut himself shaving--both his face and his knuckles. The Holy Father has very hairy knuckles. There's nothing more to the story."