THE GAMING COMMISSION IGNORES BOTH OF OUR ENDORSEMENTS

COMMENTARY BY THE HON. RUFUS PECKHAM - The Pennsylvania Gaming Commission ignored our two recent editorials by awarding Pittsburgh's lone gaming license to Don Barden's Majestic Star. Last week we endorsed Isle of Capri, explaining that the poor people of the Hill District need a casino the most: "Is there any place other than a casino where, without time-consuming education, without hard work, and without any capital investment, poor people can take what little money they have, invest it in a slot machine, and possibly be catapulted to the ranks of the wealthy with just one pull of the one-armed bandit? The question scarcely survives its statement."

Just yesterday, we changed our mind and we endorsed Forest City/Harrahs' Station Square plan, because it is backed by powerful, well-oiled political insiders who know how to get things done and deserve to be rewarded for it. You'll recall that before he left office, Mayor Murphy suggested that the Forest City/Harrahs proposal would win because of the political connections of its investors. Murphy said, "The fix is in." In our endorsement, we explained: "Exactly what's so bad about the fix being in, anyway? So what if this means the license will be awarded to an entity that is not the choice of the 'majority,' or that the entity might not even be the best choice for Pittsburgh? . . . . The 'fix' is the only way things get accomplished."

Majestic Star is the only casino we did not "endorse." And that, dear readers, tells you a lot.

THE UNDERWORLD TO AWARD 16 NEW ILLEGAL SLOT MACHINE LICENSES TO LOCAL TAVERNS TODAY

NEW BLITZEN TELL-ALL BIOGRAPHY CREDITS BALCO TRAINER FOR IMPROVED PERFORMANCE, INCREASE IN ANTLER SIZE OF SANTA’S REINDEER

UPPER SAINT CLAIR MOB MISTAKES HISPANIC BOY FOR GINGERBREAD MAN

HUNDREDS CHASE LAD THROUGH SOUTH HILLS VILLAGE BEFORE HE ELUDES THEM

SET OF “THE VIEW” COLLAPSES, JOY BEHAR, BARBARA WALTERS FEARED TRAPPED UNDER ROSIE O’DONNELL

MISSION CONTROL TELLS SHUTTLE CREW WHAT TO DO ABOUT DAMAGED SOLAR PANEL

"HEY, GUYS, WE CHECKED IT OUT. THE WARRANTY RAN OUT ON THAT BUSTED SOLAR PANEL ABOUT A MONTH AGO. CAN YOU SEE IF YOU CAN PLAY AROUND WITH IT YOURSELVES? IF WE HAVE TO SEND A REPAIR MAN OUT, IT'S GONNA COST US HALF A BILLION DOLLARS JUST FOR HIM TO WALK IN THE DOOR, AND IF HE'S STILL THERE OVER CHRISTMAS, HE GETS TIME AND-A-HALF."

KIWANIS INTERNATIONAL RULES OUT BETHLEHEM FOR NEXT YEAR’S CONVENTION, NO ROOM IN LOCAL INNS

MARK BURNETT STILL HAVING DIFFICULTY FINDING PARTICIPANTS FOR SURVIVOR: BAGHDAD

RUSSELL JOHNSON, DAWN WELLS, TINA LOUISE ADDED TO THE CAST OF ABC’S “LOST”

POPE CELEBRATES SPECIAL LITURGY TO BLESS STEELERS PLAYOFF CHANCES, TENS OF THOUSANDS GATHER TO PRAY, CHANT, TAILGATE

LATCH ON THINK TANK DOOR WON'T OPEN, SCHOLARS TRAPPED INSIDE WITH DWINDLING AIR SUPPLY

MT. HOOD SEARCHERS FAIL TO FIND TWO OTHER MISSING CLIMBERS, BUT BELIEVE THEY'VE SPOTTED NATALEE HOLLOWAY

JEAN CLAUDE VAN-DAMME TO HOST “A KICK-BOXING CHRISTMAS,” SPECIAL TO FEATURE PLENTY OF KICKING, CAROLING, BOXING

HEROD TO BETHLEHEM RESIDENTS: BRIGHT OBJECT IN SKY “PROBABLY JUST SWAMP GAS”

CORONER’S OFFICE EMPLOYEE REPRIMANDED FOR HANGING MISTLETOE OVER CADAVER’S GENITALS

SECULAR HUMANIST LEADER CALLS SECULAR HUMANIST CONVENTION AT NORTH SIDE ELKS A CELEBRATION OF VICTORY OVER CHRISTENDOM, BOWLING

CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL NEWS

On Friday, Carbolic Smoke Ball names its Person of the Year, and it won't be as inane as Time Magazine's selection ("You"). Judge Peckham will choose the best nomination, and its author will receive an official Carbolic Smoke Ball shirt. Submit your nominations to: thecarbolicsmokeball@yahoo.com

Then, at noon on Friday the 22nd, we go "all Christmas" -- we'll replay all of our greatest stories of Christmas for your holiday enjoyment. Be sure to introduce your loved ones to our Web site over the holiday weekend.

EDITORIAL: EXACTLY WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT THE FIX BEING IN, ANYWAY?

WELL-OILED POLITICAL CONNECTIONS SHOULD BE REWARDED: FOREST CITY/HARRAHS SHOULD BE GIVEN GAMING LICENSE

BY THE HONORABLE RUFUS PECKHAM - Just look at the evidence, and you decide if Forest City/Harrahs deserves to be given the lone Pittsburgh gaming license for their proposed casino at Station Square. Forest City has given nearly $150,000 to Governor Ed Rendell and $20,000 to County Executive Dan Onorato. Forest City has loaned high-powered local investors in the venture some or all of their investment money, including former Steeler Franco Harris, Squirrel Hill insurance broker William Lieberman (former chairman of the state-appointed oversight board), Charles Zappala (investment executive and uncle of the district attorney), Glenn Mahone (Allegheny County Airport Authority board chair and attorney for the state-appointed Pittsburgh oversight Board), and Yvonne Cook, president of Highmark Foundation.

What more could Harrahs/Forest City possibly do to insure it gets the license, I ask you? Some might wrongly assert that this smacks of old-time politics that rewards well-oiled connections. But exactly what's so bad about the fix being in, anyway? So what if this means the license will be awarded to an entity that is not the choice of the "majority," or that the entity might not even be the best choice for Pittsburgh?

You see, none of that matters. Harrahs deserves the license because it knows how to get things done. I'm going to tell you something that will surprise many of you: The "fix" is the only way things get accomplished. When do you need a "fix?" When something's broken, of course. And there's lots broken around here. The "majority" be damned.

If we had listened to the "majority," we never would have gotten a new baseball park so that the Pirates could finally field a competitive team. We never would have gone into Vietnam to achieve a crucial victory for democracy in Southeast Asia. And, of course, we never would have gone into Iraq to bring stability to a critical region of the world. Yes, Virginia, we need fixes and plenty of them.

As a postscript, the aforementioned Lieberman, one of the well-connected investors, is the same Lieberman who has given Mayor Ravenstahl $1,600. Funny, Ravenstahl previously endorsed the Isle of Capri/Hill District plan, but then he ran "luke" warm by asking the Penguins to commit to an alternative arena funding plan -- which I suspect is a code word for Harrahs/Forest City. Coincidence? Perhaps, but I hope not. Political insiders like Lieberman who wield disproportionate, inequitable influence are my heroes. They're the ones who get things done.

LEMIEUX UPSET THAT CANADIAN INVESTOR PULLED OUT OF PENS DEAL, WOULD LIKE TO SLAP HIS BALSILLIE

BUSH RETAINS CAPTAIN QUINT TO CATCH OSAMA BIN LADEN

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush, bedeviled for five years by his administration's inability to capture Osama bin Laden using ordinary intelligence methods, announced that the United States has retained Captain Quint of Amity Island, Massachusetts to catch him, at a cost of $10,000.

Captain Quint got the job by making a surprise appearance at a recent White House cabinet meeting, slipping past dozens of White House guards without notice. He sat in the back of the room and waited until a heated argument erupted over the best method to establish order in the Middle East. Then he slid his fingernails down a conveniently located blackboard, causing discomfort to each of the department heads but gaining their undivided attention.

"Y'all know me," he said, his head panning around the room. "You know how I earn a livin'. I'll catch this bird for ya,but it ain't gonna be easy." Every eye zoomed in on Quint for a tight close-up. "Bad fish." he continued. "It's not like going down to pond chasin' bluegills or tommy-cods." He cautioned the President that "it's not gonna be pleasant, and it's not gonn be cheap. You gotta make up your minds. Gonna stay alive and ante up? Or ya wanna play it cheap, be on welfare the whole winter. Ten thousand dollars for me by myself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing."

The President, who has insisted on keeping the nation's beaches open while bin Laden is at large, said he has total faith in Captain Quint's ability to capture him but confided in an aide that perhaps Quint needs a bigger boat.

R.H. MACY UNDER FIRE FOR STICKING DELUSIONAL, "LUNATIC" SANTA CLAUS IN DOWNTOWN STORE

EPA FINALLY GIVES PITTSBURGH GO-AHEAD TO SING "IT CAME UPON A MIDNIGHT CLEAR" FOR FIRST TIME IN 125 YEARS

AGENCY SATISFIED WE'RE NO LONGER "THE SMOKY CITY"

DIRECTORS SETTLE ON CATCHY ACRONYM FOR NEW MELLON CORP/BANK OF NEW YORK BEHEMOTH

FLATULENCE FORCES PAT BUS EVACUATION

DORMONT - A Port Authority Bus was forced to make an emergency stop this morning after a passenger lit matches to disguise the scent of flatulence, authorities said.

The 42S Beechview Inbound with an intended final stop at the Steel City Plaza was diverted from the South Busway at approximately 8:40 this morning after several passengers reported smelling the scent of burning sulfur, said Port Authority spokesman Bob Grove. All 59 passengers and the driver were taken off and screened while the bus was searched. Port Authority Police questioned a passenger who admitted she struck the matches in an attempt to conceal a "body odor," Grove said. She had an unspecified medical condition, authorities said.

"It's humorous in a way but you feel sorry for the individual, as well," Grove said. "It's unusual that someone would go to those measures to cover it up." The bus resumed its route, but the woman was not allowed back onboard. The woman, who was not identified, was not charged in the incident.

AFTER FINAL READ-THROUGH, CITY COUNCIL APPROVES MAYOR'S "SOUND" BUDGET

"WE'VE JUST INSTALLED STATE-OF-THE-ART BOSE SPEAKERS," EXPLAINED COUNCIL PRESIDENT DOUG SHIELDS, "SO, YES, THE BUDGET SOUNDS GREAT."

AUTHORITIES STUMPED: DUKE LACROSSE ACCUSER HAS BABY, LOOKS JUST LIKE JOHN MARK KARR

JOE BARBERA, CO-PRODUCER OF FLINTSTONES, MANY OTHERS, DIES AT 95

ON HALF-MILE RIDE TO CEMETERY, HEARSE PASSES SAME CRUDELY DRAWN ROCK HOUSE AND CACTUS 47 TIMES

SENATOR JOHNSON WAKES UP, UTTERS FIRST WORDS

"WHERE THE HELL IS LADY BIRD?"

PIRATES SIGN CUBAN AND JAPANESE PITCHERS

BILLIONAIRE TO PAY BUCS TO START FIVE GAMES. TEAM ALSO SIGNS "PAT" MORITA BEFORE LEARNING HE'S DECEASED, THEN OPTS FOR OLDEST AVAILABLE PLAYER, MASUMI KUWATA, 38 (NAME TRANSLATED MEANS "NOODLE ARM")

MONTAGUE JOHN DRUITT, 149, HELD IN BRITAIN PROSTITUTE KILLINGS, WAS ALSO CHIEF SUSPECT IN JACK THE RIPPER MURDERS

IPSWICH, England - Police hunting a suspected serial killer following the murders of five prostitutes in eastern England arrested Montague John Druitt, believed to be 149, on Monday and cordoned off a group of houses, Detective Chief Superintendent Stewart Gull said in a brief statement to reporters. Druitt is believed to be the world's oldest living human, Gull said. Druitt was also the chief suspect in the infamous but unresolved Jack the Ripper murders in 1888. It was formerly believed that Druitt committed suicide in November 1888. "Obviously he did not commit suicide," Gull explained, "because we've determined this is him. And he's up to his old tricks."

BUSH: PATRIOT ACT REQUIRES NORTH POLE TO TURN OVER SANTA'S NAUGHTY LIST

FORMER DISNEY EXEC JEFFREY KATZENBERG NAMED SANTA'S NUMBER TWO

KENNETH LAY IS OUT IN NORTH POLE SHAKE-UP FOLLOWING REVELATIONS THAT SANTA'S WORKSHOP DOESN'T FOLLOW SARBANES-OXLEY RULES

LOCAL CLERGYMAN SEEKS DAMAGES FOR TRESPASS

PARSON BROWN SUES COUPLE FOR WALKING IN HIS WINTER WONTERLAND; COUPLE SAYS THEY'LL FACE UNAFRAID THE PLANS THAT THEY'VE MADE SOMEWHERE ELSE.

THE CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL PERFORMS AT DVE MORNING SHOW'S CHRISTMAS PARTY

PFIZER OUTBIDS DICKS’ SPORTING GOODS FOR MELLON HEADQUARTERS; BUILDING TO BE RENAMED VIAGRA TOWER

PITTSBURGH - Not long after Mellon CEO Robert Kelly was unable to stand firm in negotiations with Bank of New York to keep Mellon’s headquarters in Pittsburgh , the merger created some stiff competition for ownership of One Mellon Center. Mellon unleashed a press release earlier today revealing that pharmaceutical giant Pfizer, the manufacturer of the popular drug Viagra™ , had struck a deal to purchase the former Mellon headquarters. Pfizer will rename the building Viagra Tower as part of the move.

Pfizer outbid locally based sporting goods chain Dicks’ Sporting Goods, which had also been courting Mellon to purchase the building. Mellon spokeswoman Chastity Towers said that negotiations fell flat when Dicks’ was apparently unable to raise the stakes quickly enough to match with Pfizer’s mammoth offer.

JACK KEVORKIAN TO JOIN STEELERS' COACHING STAFF AFTER PAROLE

FAMED PATHOLOGIST TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR "PROBLEM PLAYERS"

SANTA ASKS U.S. FOR FIGHTER ESCORT OVER NORTH KOREA, SAYS THREAT OF ANTI-AIRCRAFT FIRE EXPOSES GIFTS FOR THE ENTIRE WORLD TO UNACCEPTABLE RISK

IT ALL STARTED WHEN MRS. HAAS ASKED: "WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE?"

ASPCA ADVISES PARENTS NOT TO INDULGE CHILD WITH HIPPOPOTAMUS FOR CHRISTMAS

EDITORIAL: POOR PEOPLE OF THE HILL DISTRICT NEED A CASINO MORE THAN ANYONE

This news source has long taken the position that legalized gambling is the answer to virtually all of our civic problems. If given the choice between Mellon Bank and a slots parlor, the latter would win out every time for reasons beyond the scope of this commentary. But until now, this news source has not taken sides as to which casino should be awarded Pittsburgh's lone gaming license because the considerable weight of our opinion is likely to have a disproportionate impact on any decision by the Gaming Commision.

Recent comments by some well-meaning but woefully misguided Hill District ministers, who think having a casino in the Hill somehow would be a "bad" thing, have forced us out of the shadows to endorse Isle of Capri precisely because it is the only company looking to put a casino on the Hill. Note that the reasons compelling this endorsement have nothing to do with whether the Penguins should be given a new arena. We have long taken the position that, like spitting and public urination, hockey should only occur out-of-doors. Thus, the best venue for the Pens is, of course, PNC Park since no other professional sports team plays there.

Of the three locations under consideration, Station Square, the Hill or the North Shore, where would a casino do the most good? The answer is obvious: it's where the most disadvantaged live, the Hill.

You see, poor people, the economically and politically disenfranchised, need a casino more than anyone else. Despite all the hand-wringing of the liberal, egghead do-gooders, is there any place other than a casino where, without time-consuming education, without hard work, and without any capital investment, poor people can take what little money they have, invest it in a slot machine, and possibly be catapulted to the ranks of the wealthy with just one pull of the one-armed bandit? The question scarcely survives its statement. Let us be honest: The reason the eggheads are fearful of casinos is that they don't want "those people" to get rich and move into their neighborhoods.

What is the do-gooders' argument to refute this logic? For one thing, they claim gambling addiction afflicts poor people to a greater extent than the affluent. To this I say, so what? A gambling addiction simply means a person plays the slots more; but if he plays more, that just means he has more chances to win, which is a good thing. This is self-evident.

Or am I missing something here?

EDGEWORTH BOROUGH POLICE INVESTIGATE NEGRO SIGHTING

PITTSBURGH - Edgeworth Borough police investigated multiple reports on Wednesday evening of a negro sighting by Edgeworth residents. Edgeworth’s 911 call center received the first call from an alarmed resident at 8:12 p.m., followed by three additional calls from other residents several minutes apart.

Borough police chief John English reported that the Borough police dispatched several officers in response to the report, but none of them were able to confirm the presence of a negro in the Borough. Borough resident Willard (“Trip”) Fitzpatrick III recalled a similar incident nearly 15 years ago in the Borough which resulted in the Edgeworth Club opening its doors to residents throughout the night until police could confirm that the crisis had ended.

Police are asking residents to keep doors locked and to be aware of unusual activity.

MR. KELLY HEARS MELLON EMPLOYEES, GROWS HEART, RECONSIDERS MOVE TO NEW YORK