BARBARA WALTERS NAMES LOCAL PLUMBER BRUCE MURRAY ONE OF "TEN MOST FASCINATING PEOPLE OF '06"

NEW YORK - Barbara Walters will profile her picks for the ten most fascinating people of 2006 tonight on ABC at 10 p.m. EST, and there's a surprise in the line-up.

Bruce Murray, a Johnstown, Pennsylvania plumber who only twice in his life strayed more than forty miles from home, will join Tom Cruise, Condeleeza Rice, child star Dakota Fanning and six others on the show.

Murray said that he has no idea why Ms. Walters wants to profile him but noted that he did take piano lessons as a child and retains aspirations of being a sports agent. "Maybe they're putting me on the TV [show] as a sort of, you know, beacon or what have you, to, like, show people that you can still have dreams in this country, or whatever," Murray said.

We caught up with Ms. Walters and asked her why a Johnstown plumber had been named one of the year's most fascinating people. A look of horror mixed with disgust leapt across her face, as if this was the first she'd heard of it. She quickly recovered and explained that Murray "represents the working American, the backbone of our country."

Although Murray said he wants to meet Dakota Fanning, ABC ruled that out because it turns out Murray is a convicted sex offender, having molested two children while on a toilet repair job.

WILLIE PARKER ATTRIBUTES SUCCESS THIS SEASON TO RESTLESS LEG SYNDROME

COWHER THREATENS PARKER THAT IF HE TAKES HIS RLS MEDICATION, HE'LL BE BENCHED

LOCAL MAN SUES PENNEY'S, CLAIMS UNDERWEAR AD ON PAGE 6 OF SUNDAY'S FLYER TURNED HIM GAY

STUDY: ALARMING RISE IN TEENS USING LIFE TO GET HIGH

WASHINGTON - Teens in alarming numbers are getting high on life, says a government survey released Thursday. It found that while fewer teens overall drank alcohol or used illegal drugs in the last year, the incidence of teens using life to get high is approaching epidemic proportions in some cities.

"Life is cheap and easy to get," said Dr. Noah Swayne of the Partnership for a Drug Free America. "Few parents recognize the dangers of overdosing on life," explained Dr. Swayne. "If you notice your child experiencing sudden mood swings and becoming overtly happy and insisting on greater involvement in family activities, you need to be aware that he might be spiraling into a vicious cycle of addiction to life." Aggressive counseling to attack the root cause of the addiction is needed, Dr. Swayne said.

DON BARDEN WANTS STEELERS TO MOVE FROM NORTH SHORE

DRUNK, URINATING FOOTBALL FANS WILL BE "A REAL TURN-OFF" TO CASINO-GOERS, SAYS MAJESTIC STAR OWNER. "AND THAT SCIENCE CENTER WILL HAVE TO GO, TOO -- ALL THOSE KIDS WILL JUST ANNOY MY GAMBLERS."

NHL COMMISSIONER GARY BETTMAN INSTITUTIONALIZED FOR MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER

NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman was confined to Bellvue Mental Hospital last night after being diagnosed with severe multiple personality disorder. The evidence:

First, on December 16, the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reported that the Penguins' deal with billionaire Jim Balsillie was scuttled after the NHL demanded that Balsillie promise to keep the club in Pittsburgh regardless of the arena situation.

Second, on December 21 after the Isle of Capri was not awarded Pittsburgh's lone gaming license, the Post-Gazette reported that Mr. Bettman wrote: "The future of this franchise in Pittsburgh is uncertain and the Penguins now will have to explore all other options, including possible relocation."

Dr. Noah Swayne of Bellvue Mental Hospital said that clinically speaking, Mr. Bettman "is nuts."

ISLE OF CAPRI'S BID REJECTED, PITTSBURGH ZOO TIGHTENS SECURITY TO MAKE SURE PENGUINS DON’T LEAVE

THE ROONEYS, OWNERS OF STEELERS AND PBKC RACE TRACK IN FLORIDA, FEAR CASINO CLIENTELE NOT IN KEEPING WITH FOOTBALL ATMOSPHERE ON NORTH SHORE

THEY ARE CORRECT:

STEELER FANS


CASINO CLIENTELE

BIO OF THE DAY: MISS USA TARA CONNER

HOLLYWOOD - On April 21, 2006, a worldwide television audience of millions watched as Tara Conner's "biggest dream ever" came true as she was crowned Miss USA 2006 at the conclusion of the 55th annual Miss USA telecast live from Baltimore, Maryland. At the age of 20, the Russell Springs , Kentucky , native is the first woman from Kentucky to win the title of MISS USA®.

"This has been a dream of mine since I was 13 years old," Tara said. She added, “I wish I could remember that night when they crowned me, but I was all coked up and had knocked down a pint of JD right before going on stage, so I don’t remember a thing.”

A business administration major whose dream job is to marry a rich person in Hollywood , Tara says she'd love to be the next Shannon Doherty. A self-described party girl, Tara often goes days without sleeping. She loves clubbing, roofies, lesbian sex, and washing down a Gray’s Papaya hot dog with Grey Goose.

Throughout her year as Miss USA , Tara has traveled all over the U.S. meeting young men and women in after hours clubs. She carries a fake Canadian ID as part of her Miss USA pledge to learn more about other nations. She thinks world peace is a great idea.

GAMING COMMISSION AWARDS SLOTS LICENSE TO SANDS CASINO IN BETHLEHEM

CASINO WILL RELOCATE SHEPHERDS FROM HILLSIDE, ADDITIONAL STABLES AND MANGERS PLANNED FOR TOURISTS

PRESIDENT BUSH TRIES TO REINVENT SELF, TELLS BARBER: "MAKE ME LOOK LIKE MOE HOWARD"


MICROSOFT SPONSORS ROSE BOWL, HOPES TO AVOID DISASTER OF LAST BOWL GAME IT SPONSORED

"TIME REMAINING FOR DOWNLOAD" GAME CLOCK REPEATEDLY TACKED ON TIME; GAME TOOK SEVEN HOURS TO PLAY

MAYOR BOB O'CONNOR GOT CLEARANCE BY ST. PETER TO ENTER HEAVEN MONTHS AGO, BUT ENTRANCE DELAYED BY STATE APPOINTED OVERSIGHT BOARD

GAMING CONTROL BOARD AWARDS SLOTS LICENSE TO CHRISTOPHER DARDEN

HARRISBURG - The Pennsylvania Gaming Control Board earlier today awarded Pittsburgh ’s stand along casino license to an investor group led by former O.J. Simpson prosecutor Christopher Darden (pictured above). Mr. Darden held hands with former prosecutor Marcia Clark as the vote was taken and shed tears when he knew he had won. “I’ve never won anything", said Darden. Mr. Darden said he plans to talk with Allegheny County Chief Executive Dan Onorato today to figure out how a lowly paid public servant can even begin to figure how to build a casino.

Correction: Local physician fired for griping, not groping

MAN THREATENS TO SUE THIS NEWS SOURCE; OH, WELL, YOU CAN'T GET 'EM ALL RIGHT.

PITTSBURGH - The laugh's on this news source, which reported yesterday that Dr. William Friest, 60, a physician employed by the South Strabane Pain Clinic, was fired from his position groping. It turns out that wasn't entirely accurate. Dr. Friest was fired for griping about office policies, not groping. Nevertheless, this news source extrapolated from that faulty premise that Friest likely would be charged with indecent assault and that he would be forced to surrender his physician's license. It seems our faulty reporting has prompted Friest's wife to file for divorce. Moreover, he claims, all his friends have shunned him. And we can't imagine he'll ever be able to work in Western Pennsylvania again after that report. Oh, well, you can't get them all right. The fact of the matter is we've been wrong before -- plenty of times -- and we'll be wrong again, just as often. That's just the way it goes in journalism. Heh, heh! And frankly, if Friest wants to sue me, I say, "Come and try it. See what happens to you."

Anyway, watch that griping, Friest!

GIDEONS BREAK INTO HOTELS, TAKE BACK BIBLES

NEW YORK - In what police are calling an unprecedented rash of orchestrated burglaries, several hundred members of the Gideons International broke into hotel rooms across America last night to take back the Bibles their organization donated.

"People aren't reading them, and we want them back, it's that simple," said a member of the Gideons who spoke on condition of anonymity.

Hotel managers are calling the burglaries atypical. "It was the most polite break-in I'd ever seen," said Bradleys Roadhouse, manager of the Waldorf-Astoria. "They took back the Bibles, but they also turned the beds down and put chocolates on the pillows," he said.

THE GAMING COMMISSION IGNORES BOTH OF OUR ENDORSEMENTS

COMMENTARY BY THE HON. RUFUS PECKHAM - The Pennsylvania Gaming Commission ignored our two recent editorials by awarding Pittsburgh's lone gaming license to Don Barden's Majestic Star. Last week we endorsed Isle of Capri, explaining that the poor people of the Hill District need a casino the most: "Is there any place other than a casino where, without time-consuming education, without hard work, and without any capital investment, poor people can take what little money they have, invest it in a slot machine, and possibly be catapulted to the ranks of the wealthy with just one pull of the one-armed bandit? The question scarcely survives its statement."

Just yesterday, we changed our mind and we endorsed Forest City/Harrahs' Station Square plan, because it is backed by powerful, well-oiled political insiders who know how to get things done and deserve to be rewarded for it. You'll recall that before he left office, Mayor Murphy suggested that the Forest City/Harrahs proposal would win because of the political connections of its investors. Murphy said, "The fix is in." In our endorsement, we explained: "Exactly what's so bad about the fix being in, anyway? So what if this means the license will be awarded to an entity that is not the choice of the 'majority,' or that the entity might not even be the best choice for Pittsburgh? . . . . The 'fix' is the only way things get accomplished."

Majestic Star is the only casino we did not "endorse." And that, dear readers, tells you a lot.

THE UNDERWORLD TO AWARD 16 NEW ILLEGAL SLOT MACHINE LICENSES TO LOCAL TAVERNS TODAY


NEW BLITZEN TELL-ALL BIOGRAPHY CREDITS BALCO TRAINER FOR IMPROVED PERFORMANCE, INCREASE IN ANTLER SIZE OF SANTA’S REINDEER

UPPER SAINT CLAIR MOB MISTAKES HISPANIC BOY FOR GINGERBREAD MAN

HUNDREDS CHASE LAD THROUGH SOUTH HILLS VILLAGE BEFORE HE ELUDES THEM

SET OF “THE VIEW” COLLAPSES, JOY BEHAR, BARBARA WALTERS FEARED TRAPPED UNDER ROSIE O’DONNELL

MISSION CONTROL TELLS SHUTTLE CREW WHAT TO DO ABOUT DAMAGED SOLAR PANEL

"HEY, GUYS, WE CHECKED IT OUT. THE WARRANTY RAN OUT ON THAT BUSTED SOLAR PANEL ABOUT A MONTH AGO. CAN YOU SEE IF YOU CAN PLAY AROUND WITH IT YOURSELVES? IF WE HAVE TO SEND A REPAIR MAN OUT, IT'S GONNA COST US HALF A BILLION DOLLARS JUST FOR HIM TO WALK IN THE DOOR, AND IF HE'S STILL THERE OVER CHRISTMAS, HE GETS TIME AND-A-HALF."

KIWANIS INTERNATIONAL RULES OUT BETHLEHEM FOR NEXT YEAR’S CONVENTION, NO ROOM IN LOCAL INNS


MARK BURNETT STILL HAVING DIFFICULTY FINDING PARTICIPANTS FOR SURVIVOR: BAGHDAD

RUSSELL JOHNSON, DAWN WELLS, TINA LOUISE ADDED TO THE CAST OF ABC’S “LOST”


POPE CELEBRATES SPECIAL LITURGY TO BLESS STEELERS PLAYOFF CHANCES, TENS OF THOUSANDS GATHER TO PRAY, CHANT, TAILGATE

LATCH ON THINK TANK DOOR WON'T OPEN, SCHOLARS TRAPPED INSIDE WITH DWINDLING AIR SUPPLY

MT. HOOD SEARCHERS FAIL TO FIND TWO OTHER MISSING CLIMBERS, BUT BELIEVE THEY'VE SPOTTED NATALEE HOLLOWAY


JEAN CLAUDE VAN-DAMME TO HOST “A KICK-BOXING CHRISTMAS,” SPECIAL TO FEATURE PLENTY OF KICKING, CAROLING, BOXING

HEROD TO BETHLEHEM RESIDENTS: BRIGHT OBJECT IN SKY “PROBABLY JUST SWAMP GAS”

CORONER’S OFFICE EMPLOYEE REPRIMANDED FOR HANGING MISTLETOE OVER CADAVER’S GENITALS

SECULAR HUMANIST LEADER CALLS SECULAR HUMANIST CONVENTION AT NORTH SIDE ELKS A CELEBRATION OF VICTORY OVER CHRISTENDOM, BOWLING


CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL NEWS

On Friday, Carbolic Smoke Ball names its Person of the Year, and it won't be as inane as Time Magazine's selection ("You"). Judge Peckham will choose the best nomination, and its author will receive an official Carbolic Smoke Ball shirt. Submit your nominations to: thecarbolicsmokeball@yahoo.com

Then, at noon on Friday the 22nd, we go "all Christmas" -- we'll replay all of our greatest stories of Christmas for your holiday enjoyment. Be sure to introduce your loved ones to our Web site over the holiday weekend.

EDITORIAL: EXACTLY WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT THE FIX BEING IN, ANYWAY?

WELL-OILED POLITICAL CONNECTIONS SHOULD BE REWARDED: FOREST CITY/HARRAHS SHOULD BE GIVEN GAMING LICENSE

BY THE HONORABLE RUFUS PECKHAM - Just look at the evidence, and you decide if Forest City/Harrahs deserves to be given the lone Pittsburgh gaming license for their proposed casino at Station Square. Forest City has given nearly $150,000 to Governor Ed Rendell and $20,000 to County Executive Dan Onorato. Forest City has loaned high-powered local investors in the venture some or all of their investment money, including former Steeler Franco Harris, Squirrel Hill insurance broker William Lieberman (former chairman of the state-appointed oversight board), Charles Zappala (investment executive and uncle of the district attorney), Glenn Mahone (Allegheny County Airport Authority board chair and attorney for the state-appointed Pittsburgh oversight Board), and Yvonne Cook, president of Highmark Foundation.


What more could Harrahs/Forest City possibly do to insure it gets the license, I ask you? Some might wrongly assert that this smacks of old-time politics that rewards well-oiled connections. But exactly what's so bad about the fix being in, anyway? So what if this means the license will be awarded to an entity that is not the choice of the "majority," or that the entity might not even be the best choice for Pittsburgh?

You see, none of that matters. Harrahs deserves the license because it knows how to get things done. I'm going to tell you something that will surprise many of you: The "fix" is the only way things get accomplished. When do you need a "fix?" When something's broken, of course. And there's lots broken around here. The "majority" be damned.


If we had listened to the "majority," we never would have gotten a new baseball park so that the Pirates could finally field a competitive team. We never would have gone into Vietnam to achieve a crucial victory for democracy in Southeast Asia. And, of course, we never would have gone into Iraq to bring stability to a critical region of the world. Yes, Virginia, we need fixes and plenty of them.

As a postscript, the aforementioned Lieberman, one of the well-connected investors, is the same Lieberman who has given Mayor Ravenstahl $1,600. Funny, Ravenstahl previously endorsed the Isle of Capri/Hill District plan, but then he ran "luke" warm by asking the Penguins to commit to an alternative arena funding plan -- which I suspect is a code word for Harrahs/Forest City. Coincidence? Perhaps, but I hope not. Political insiders like Lieberman who wield disproportionate, inequitable influence are my heroes. They're the ones who get things done.

LEMIEUX UPSET THAT CANADIAN INVESTOR PULLED OUT OF PENS DEAL, WOULD LIKE TO SLAP HIS BALSILLIE


BUSH RETAINS CAPTAIN QUINT TO CATCH OSAMA BIN LADEN

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush, bedeviled for five years by his administration's inability to capture Osama bin Laden using ordinary intelligence methods, announced that the United States has retained Captain Quint of Amity Island, Massachusetts to catch him, at a cost of $10,000.

Captain Quint got the job by making a surprise appearance at a recent White House cabinet meeting, slipping past dozens of White House guards without notice. He sat in the back of the room and waited until a heated argument erupted over the best method to establish order in the Middle East. Then he slid his fingernails down a conveniently located blackboard, causing discomfort to each of the department heads but gaining their undivided attention.

"Y'all know me," he said, his head panning around the room. "You know how I earn a livin'. I'll catch this bird for ya,but it ain't gonna be easy." Every eye zoomed in on Quint for a tight close-up. "Bad fish." he continued. "It's not like going down to pond chasin' bluegills or tommy-cods." He cautioned the President that "it's not gonna be pleasant, and it's not gonn be cheap. You gotta make up your minds. Gonna stay alive and ante up? Or ya wanna play it cheap, be on welfare the whole winter. Ten thousand dollars for me by myself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing."

The President, who has insisted on keeping the nation's beaches open while bin Laden is at large, said he has total faith in Captain Quint's ability to capture him but confided in an aide that perhaps Quint needs a bigger boat.

R.H. MACY UNDER FIRE FOR STICKING DELUSIONAL, "LUNATIC" SANTA CLAUS IN DOWNTOWN STORE


EPA FINALLY GIVES PITTSBURGH GO-AHEAD TO SING "IT CAME UPON A MIDNIGHT CLEAR" FOR FIRST TIME IN 125 YEARS

AGENCY SATISFIED WE'RE NO LONGER "THE SMOKY CITY"

DIRECTORS SETTLE ON CATCHY ACRONYM FOR NEW MELLON CORP/BANK OF NEW YORK BEHEMOTH

FLATULENCE FORCES PAT BUS EVACUATION

DORMONT - A Port Authority Bus was forced to make an emergency stop this morning after a passenger lit matches to disguise the scent of flatulence, authorities said.

The 42S Beechview Inbound with an intended final stop at the Steel City Plaza was diverted from the South Busway at approximately 8:40 this morning after several passengers reported smelling the scent of burning sulfur, said Port Authority spokesman Bob Grove. All 59 passengers and the driver were taken off and screened while the bus was searched. Port Authority Police questioned a passenger who admitted she struck the matches in an attempt to conceal a "body odor," Grove said. She had an unspecified medical condition, authorities said.

"It's humorous in a way but you feel sorry for the individual, as well," Grove said. "It's unusual that someone would go to those measures to cover it up." The bus resumed its route, but the woman was not allowed back onboard. The woman, who was not identified, was not charged in the incident.

AFTER FINAL READ-THROUGH, CITY COUNCIL APPROVES MAYOR'S "SOUND" BUDGET

"WE'VE JUST INSTALLED STATE-OF-THE-ART BOSE SPEAKERS," EXPLAINED COUNCIL PRESIDENT DOUG SHIELDS, "SO, YES, THE BUDGET SOUNDS GREAT."

AUTHORITIES STUMPED: DUKE LACROSSE ACCUSER HAS BABY, LOOKS JUST LIKE JOHN MARK KARR

JOE BARBERA, CO-PRODUCER OF FLINTSTONES, MANY OTHERS, DIES AT 95

ON HALF-MILE RIDE TO CEMETERY, HEARSE PASSES SAME CRUDELY DRAWN ROCK HOUSE AND CACTUS 47 TIMES

SENATOR JOHNSON WAKES UP, UTTERS FIRST WORDS

"WHERE THE HELL IS LADY BIRD?"

PIRATES SIGN CUBAN AND JAPANESE PITCHERS

BILLIONAIRE TO PAY BUCS TO START FIVE GAMES. TEAM ALSO SIGNS "PAT" MORITA BEFORE LEARNING HE'S DECEASED, THEN OPTS FOR OLDEST AVAILABLE PLAYER, MASUMI KUWATA, 38 (NAME TRANSLATED MEANS "NOODLE ARM")

MONTAGUE JOHN DRUITT, 149, HELD IN BRITAIN PROSTITUTE KILLINGS, WAS ALSO CHIEF SUSPECT IN JACK THE RIPPER MURDERS

IPSWICH, England - Police hunting a suspected serial killer following the murders of five prostitutes in eastern England arrested Montague John Druitt, believed to be 149, on Monday and cordoned off a group of houses, Detective Chief Superintendent Stewart Gull said in a brief statement to reporters. Druitt is believed to be the world's oldest living human, Gull said. Druitt was also the chief suspect in the infamous but unresolved Jack the Ripper murders in 1888. It was formerly believed that Druitt committed suicide in November 1888. "Obviously he did not commit suicide," Gull explained, "because we've determined this is him. And he's up to his old tricks."

BUSH: PATRIOT ACT REQUIRES NORTH POLE TO TURN OVER SANTA'S NAUGHTY LIST

FORMER DISNEY EXEC JEFFREY KATZENBERG NAMED SANTA'S NUMBER TWO

KENNETH LAY IS OUT IN NORTH POLE SHAKE-UP FOLLOWING REVELATIONS THAT SANTA'S WORKSHOP DOESN'T FOLLOW SARBANES-OXLEY RULES

LOCAL CLERGYMAN SEEKS DAMAGES FOR TRESPASS

PARSON BROWN SUES COUPLE FOR WALKING IN HIS WINTER WONTERLAND; COUPLE SAYS THEY'LL FACE UNAFRAID THE PLANS THAT THEY'VE MADE SOMEWHERE ELSE.