Tiger's Wife Gives Birth. Baby Sam Has 7:15 Tee Time

Just one day after his failed attempt to win the U. S Open, the wife of golfer Tiger Woods gave birth to the couple's first child, Sam Alexis Woods. Both mother Elin, and the bouncing baby girl, are said to be doing fine.

Tomorrow the baby will start a training regimen that Tiger developed which includes 18 holes at his home course of Isleworth in Florida.

The baby's pediatrician Dr. Lawrence Fine explained: "Tiger doesn't intend to make the same mistakes his father Earl made with him. He feels that his own formative years, between 0-2, were wasted, and he wants to make sure his daughter doesn't lose that valuable time developing her swing."

AND NOW, OUR U.S. OPEN ROUND-UP

Angel Cabrera celebrates his US Open victory while Jim Furyk reacts to finishing as the runner-up for the second consecutive year.

OAKMONT CONFIRMS IT RELEASED BEAR IN FINAL ROUND OF U.S. OPEN TO MAKE COURSE EVEN TOUGHER

CLUB OFFICIALS SAY IT EITHER HAD TO BE THE BEAR OR T.B. PATIENT ANDREW SPEAKER

TIGER MISSES PUTT, LOSES OPEN, BLAMES MAYOR

"It was that damn kid again," a distraught Woods explained. "He followed me to every hole, and he wouldn't shut up. 'I love you, Tiger!' 'I'm your number one fan, Tiger!' 'Tell everyone you invited me to that American Express event, Tiger!' If I ever see him again, I'm gonna put a ball in his hole, I promise you that."

ABSENCE OF DIVERSITY AT OAKMONT A BLESSING TO BLACKS, HISPANICS SPARED THE HEAT DURING U.S. OPEN LAST WEEK

EDITORIAL BY THE HONORABLE RUFUS PECKHAM - An astute KDKA talk show host last week referred to the U.S. Open as an event for "rich white guys." I can attest to the accuracy of this assertion because I heard Durham County, North Carolina District Attorney Mike Nifong say the same thing.

I normally decry the absence of diversity in any organization. It is well known that in the 1960's, I marched in protest in Tuscaloosa, Alabama against the Ku Klux Klan's policy of excluding blacks from their organization. The result was a rule change that opened the doors to persons of color. To this day I am regarded as the Branch Rickey of the KKK.

In this case, however, blacks and Hispanics should be on their hands and knees thanking the "rich white guys" at Oakmont for insuring they were largely excluded from the U.S. Open last week, and you heard it here first. You see, earlier this year, Oakmont's Council of Bishops, or whatever their governing tribunal is called, decided to remove thousands of trees that formerly lined the fairways, transmogrifying a pleasant golf course into a cauldron that could smelt iron ore on a hot summer day.

Can anyone seriously maintain that we should subject blacks to heat reminiscent of the Georgia cotton fields of the 1850's? Or force Hispanics to experience once again the searing Latin temperatures from which they have illegally fled? The question scarcely survives its statement. This is one time when diversity would be a terrible, terrible thing. I have the sunburn to prove it.

GORE WINS, LOSES U.S. OPEN


PITTSBURGH -- After playing the round of his life and clinching an apparent victory in the US Open, former vice president Al Gore again had victory snatched from his grasp. While Gore and his caddy celebrated in the clubhouse the USGA conducted an unprecedented recount, administrated by eventual winner Angel Cabrera's brother, Desi.

The hotly contested recount found Cabrera was the winner by one stroke because a score was entered incorrectly on the peculiar butterfly scorecard used at Oakmont.


TIGER WOODS ADMITS 'BENDER' MIGHT HAVE HURT HIS OPEN CHANCES


PITTSBURGH - Tiger Woods revealed that he and Jim Furyk "got totally wasted" on Saturday night and that there was "no way either of them were going to win on Sunday."

"I was puking my guts out on the practice green," Woods explained. "My caddy had to point me to the first tee."

Woods said that he and hometown favorite Furyk visited "a bunch of yinzer bars" after the third round, and finally ended up at Primantis in Harmarville just minutes from the famed Oakmont Country Club.

THE SMOKE BALL'S INFLUENCE CONTINUES TO GROW

We are Pennsylvania's sixth most influential political blog, according to this: click here. (We're glad somebody has figured out exactly what we are -- we didn't know ourselves.)

TIGER WOODS DISGRACES AMERICA, LOSES U.S. OPEN TO FOREIGNER

CABRERA WINS U.S. OPEN, NINTH INNING HIT SENDS SID BREAM HOME AHEAD OF BARRY BONDS' LIMP THROW

OAKMONT GOLF COURSE DESTROYED BY POST-US OPEN FIREWORKS DISPLAY

“I wasn’t surprised how fast it went up. It was dry – we didn’t get our usual twenty inches of rain this weekend.” -- Firefighter Bradleys Roadhouse

THE TEAM THAT UNEARTHED 1957 PLYMOUTH ANNOUNCES NEXT PROJECT

NEXT RELIC FROM THE '50'S TO BE UNEARTHED: MAMIE EISENHOWER

CROSBY WINS MVP AWARD, SINGS 'WHITE CHRISTMAS'

PRESIDENT BUSH CONGRATULATES EVGENI MALKIN FOR BEING NAMED 'ROOSKIE OF THE YEAR'

BRENTWOOD COUNCIL PRESIDENT MARY DYTKO ARRESTED FOR FRAUD, CHARGES PRISON UNIFORM USING BOROUGH CREDIT CARD

“Someone’s got to wrestle that card away from her, and I’m just the man to do it.” -- Brentwood Mayor Ken Lockhart

TOMLIN TO FOLLOW UP TEAM “HAT DAY” WITH “WOMEN’S UNDERWEAR DAY”

Hines Ward asked for Hat Day, but “I had absolutely nothing to do with the underwear thing,” he says

PITTSBURGH --- Steelers coach Mike Tomlin surprised fans and players alike by announcing that the first day of training camp will be Women’s Underwear Day for the team. The sequence of events leading to the decision began when receiver Hines Ward asked that a few sessions of spring minicamp be conducted without helmets. That led to the creation of Hat Day.


“Everyone was just supposed to wear baseball caps, but some free agent wore some kind of an Easter bonnet,” Ward said. “I guess he wanted to be noticed by the coaches. Unfortunately, that gave Mike the underwear idea.” Ward said that several lineman “pounded on” the unnamed free agent, and “I don’t think he’ll be making the roster.”

Post-Gazette fashion editor Lamont Jones has advice for the players. “La Perla is a very popular, quality lingerie line with women, but I don’t think most of the Steelers will be able to fit in it,” he said. “Maybe the kickers. Everyone else should probably check out Cacique,” the plus-sized line from Lane Bryant.

Black and gold are obvious choices for the Steelers, Jones said. “But players should consider some colors that would compliment their skin tones. Light shades of green are really big right now. And I can’t emphasize enough that the players should take advantage of the in-store fit experts when they are making their selections. Really, coverage and support will be critical.”

Hines Ward said he is trying to understand and accept Tomlin’s decision. “A lot of guys are griping. I know he wants to build team unity, and I guess he is trying to build unity through adversity. We all miss coach Cowher, but you have to move on, even if it means wearing strange underwear.” Ward said he has an outfit in mind, but declined to describe it to reporters.

Fashion editor Jones thinks the players should discuss their choices among themselves. “The worst thing that could happen is having two players show up in the same look,” he said. “You don’t want to get into a ‘who wore it best’ competition. It’s bad enough they have to do this --- I’m sure none of them wants to come out on the short end of a fashion poll.”

MAYOR INVITES SELF TO PLAY U.S. OPEN, FINISHES THIRD



THUNDERBIRDS STAGE SPECTACULAR SHOW!


PITTSBURGH - In a move reminiscent of sports teams wearing "throwback" uniforms, the Army's precision flying team, the Thunderbirds, thrilled spectators last weekend at Pittsburgh's Airport by flying four 1962 vintage Ford Thunderbirds in tight formation.

Pilot Randy Codwell said he and his men have been practicing hard. "Well, getting 'em off the ground is your first challenge, but once they're airborne they fly like A dream. We're really gonna put 'em through their paces this weekend and the fans are gonna see a great show!"

Codwell also raved about the T-Birds amenities. "These babies are just amazing. You've got your ash trays in each armrest, white walls, nice spongy coil springs and Turbohydromatic drive!" Best of all, he added, "The trade-in value is just great!"

MAYOR ASKS LAWN CUTTER TO SUBMIT RESIGNATION

SIXTEEN-YEAR OLD NOAH SWAYNE IS OUT

PITTSBURGH - Mayor Luke Ravenstahl yesterday asked for a resignation letter from his sixteen-year-old grass cutter Noah Swayne in an effort to re-evaluate his performance.

In a statement, the mayor said he was "not satisfied with the condition of my front lawn" and will conduct a nationwide search for the best candidate to assume the duties. Swayne is being asked to apply.

Swayne was a holdover from the O'Connor administration. He cut then-Mayor O'Connor's grass from April 2006 until O'Connor's death in September 2006.

Mayor Ravenstahl reportedly will ask for similar letters of resignation from his dentist, auto mechanic and barber.

RAVENSTAHL UNHAPPY WITH PENGUINS' EARLY PLAYOFF EXIT, DEMANDS CROSBY RESIGN HIS CAPTAINCY

"I know he's the current NHL MVP," the Mayor told reporters, "but I didn't appoint him. And I'm not even sure he's the right person for the job. He seems awfully young and inexperienced to me."

CROSBY RESIGNS PENS PER MAYOR'S REQUEST, PICKED UP BY STEELERS

MAYOR ASKS FOR RESIGNATIONS FROM ALL DEPARTMENT HEADS

Withdraws request after directors pin him to ground and shoot spit balls at his head

MAYOR'S INITIATIVE IN MEETING TIGER WOODS INSPIRES NEW RAPE DEFENSE

"SHE NEVER SAID I COULDN'T GO IN, SO I JUST WENT AHEAD -- I SHOULD BE CREDITED FOR FULFILLING MY LIFE-LONG DREAM OF HAVING SEX WITH THIS WOMAN. IT SHOWS HOW GUNG-HO I AM."


MAYOR’S LOUSY WEEK BEGINS WITH ‘PARTY CRASHING’ SCANDAL – ENDS WITH RECALL OF HIS FAVORITE TOY

DUKE LACROSSE D.A. MIKE NIFONG'S DEFENSE AT ETHICS TRIAL: 'SOMEDAY, THE DUKE PLAYERS WILL LOOK BACK ON THE WHOLE THING AND HAVE A GOOD LAUGH'


RAVENSTAHL 'SETTLES ALL FAMILY BUSINESS' IN MASSIVE PURGE

"BARZINI'S DEAD. SO IS PHILLIP TATTAGLIA, MOE GREENE, GUY COSTA, DAVID ONORATO . . . . TODAY, I SETTLE ALL FAMILY BUSINESS." -- Mayor Luke Ravenstahl

IN CASE YOU MISSED OUR SPOT ON DVE'S MORNING SHOW WITH JIM AND RANDY TODAY . . .

TIGER WOODS OBTAINS RESTRAINING ORDER TO KEEP MAYOR RAVENSTAHL OUT OF DELIVERY ROOM WHEN TIGER'S CHILD IS BORN

MAYOR: “TIGER MAY NOT HAVE MENTIONED IT, BUT I KNOW BY HIS SILENCE HE WANTS ME IN THERE”

SPOILER: SHOCK ENDING FOR LAST HARRY POTTER BOOK REVEALED

On the last page of the book, Harry Potter is sitting with Carmela and AJ in a diner, waiting for Meadow to finish parallel parking outside. Then the door opens, and the story abruptly ends

MAYOR DENIES CRASHING EVENT TO MEET TIGER WOODS, SAYS HE REALLY WANTED TO MEET THE GOLFER'S 'TOTALLY HOT WIFE'

PITTSBURGH ZOO MONKEY “JOHNNY” UNDERGOES ARTHROSCOPIC SURGERY WITH DR. FREDDIE FU

Zookeepers say that bed-rest and the knowledge that he has better health care than 46 million uninsured Americans should help him recover; next patient asks Dr. Freddie Fu to wash hands twice


ABBAS DISSOLVES PALESTINIAN GOVERNMENT, PERFORMS 'DANCING QUEEN'

TEMPERAMENTAL DANIEL RADCLIFFE ENDS RUN IN 'EQUUS' WHEN NEW CO-STAR MISTER ED AD LIBS INSULTS ABOUT HIS GENITALIA

WISECRACKING PALOMINO SAYS HE "JUST COULDN'T RESIST"

BESIEGED MAYOR CONFERS WITH HIS INNER CIRCLE OF ADVISERS

AFTER LOSING HER FRIENDS, HOUSE, AND JOB, THE WOMAN WHO STRUCK BIG BEN FINDS NEW CAREER A YEAR AFTER THE ACCIDENT

DR. FU FIXES UP MONKEY SO PIRATES CAN SIGN HIM

PITTSBURGH -- One of America's best-known sports doctors was pressed into service by the Pittsburgh Pirates for an unusual patient. Dr. Freddie Fu of UPMC operated on a mandrill monkey from the Pittsburgh Zoo to repair a partially torn ACL so that he can join the starting lineup of the Pittsburgh Pirates in time for Sunday's game. Pirate GM Dave Littlefield explained that Pirates scouts have been following the monkey since last year and are satisfied he can make an immediate contribution to the team. "This is the monkey we've wanted all along," Littlefield said. "And we'll get him soon, with a little help from Dr. Fu."

"He bats left, throws right, you should see him scamper around the bases," gushed Littlefield. "One of our trainers had a radar gun on him and saw this guy throw his feces in the mid-90's. He's getting better with a ball, too, because Jim Tracy has been working with him every day -- they're on the same wavelength." Littlefield refused to say how much the Pirates will pay the animal, but while the interview was progressing a station wagon full of bananas pulled into the hospital parking lot.

The Pirates also reportedly have their eye on a utility orangutan currently at the Detroit Zoo. "He's a powerful little guy," said one trainer. "A little wild. We might have to send him down to Ringling Brothers to work on his mechanics."