Carbolic Smoke Ball

(Pittsburgh) In a bold move that could have major implications for under-performing professional sports teams across the country, President Trump deported the Pittsburgh Pirates this morning, sending the entire opening day lineup to an undisclosed maximum-security prison in El Salvador. Announcing the move on Truth Social, Trump said “The totally amazing people of PITTSBURGH have SUFFERED ENOUGH. I’ve instructed the Attorney General to round up these so-called baseball players (who, by the way, are even BIGGER LOSERS than that MAJOR LOSER Jerome Powell) and send them to the jungle.”

He added under a separate post made an hour later “Also, I’m looking at YOU, CLEVELAND BROWNS!”

In a rare show of agreement with the current administration, ACLU spokesman Witold “Vic” Walczak issued a statement saying his organization would not oppose the deportation.

“There comes a time when you just have to say, enough is enough,” it read, adding, “we wouldn’t mind if he grabbed Nutting, too.”

(Washington, D.C.) Justice Samuel Alito issued a statement today asserting that the controversial five page-dissent to the Supreme Court’s order blocking the Trump administrations attempt to deport Venezuelans this past Saturday was not issued by him, but by his spouse.

“While I agree with my wife’s reasoning and the rationale behind her – I mean our – dissent, I regret the tone and the timing of the release.”

The justice added that having a spouse write for a member of the court is perfectly compatible with the doctrine of “Happy Wife, Happy Life,” a theory of jurisprudence developed by members of the Hen-Pecked Society, a group of law professors who believe that doing anything necessary to get someone off your back and preserve peace and quiet in the house passes constitutional muster.

When asked to comment on how his wife might rule on the upcoming oral arguments before the court on birthright citizenship, Justice Alito replied “You’ll have to ask her.”

ABOUT CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL

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“One of Pittsburgh's most popular blogs, and it's gaining a growing national audience.”
Pittsburgh Magazine

“Nothing is sacred for the guys who run Carbolic Smoke Ball. Nothing.” Pittsburgh Tribune-Review

How Carbolic started an urban legend. Snopes.com