CANDIDATE BOB HAAS SCREAMS "THEY MADE IT LOOK LIKE MY NAME IS BOB H. ASS" IN CHEST PAINT SCHEME GONE AWRY BRENTWOOD, Pa - When Brentwood Zoning Board candidate Bob Haas lost his bid for a seat on the Board four years ago, he learned that his cigar-chomping, "good-old-boy" image didn't fare well with female voters. He wasn't about to let that happen again this election, so to curry favor with the ladies, Haas hired seven buff college guys to attend the Steeler-Jaquar game last Sunday with his name painted on their chests. "It was just my little way of thanking the ladies in advance for their votes," said Haas, as he puffed on his cigar.
The only problem was that the students misspelled "Haas," changing the second "a" to an "s". University of Pittsburgh Junior Adam Kidd was suposed to be the second "a" but admits he'd been out drinking the night before and carelessly scrawled an "s" where the "a" was supposed to be.
Haas spied the guys from his private box and angrily ran over to pull Kidd aside. "What in hell are you supposed to be with that "S" on your chest -- Superman? People think my name is 'Bob H. Ass!' You miserable, lousy punk, you've ruined me," Haas screamed as he splattered scalding hot chocolate on Kidd's chest to wash away the "S." But the "S" stayed where it was, and the steaming liquid left a burn mark instead.
The guys decided to get even with Haas, so after the game they positioned themselves outside Heinz Field's Gate "A" and dropped their pants as the fans exited. "It looked like 'Bob H. Ass' was promoting promiscuity," chuckled Steeler Coach Bill Cowher.
But Haas didn't think it was funny, so he filed suit against the guys for breach of contract and for bringing disrepute upon his candidacy. For his part, Adam Kidd is suing Haas for personal injuries in connection with the burns to his chest. Kidd's complaint alleges: "Like, I'll never be able to grow chest hair, dude."
Helen Palsgraf, 78, a longtime Steeler fan attending the game with her newlywed 27 year-old husband Ashton Kutcher, said she'd never heard of either Bob Haas or Bob Hass, "but after seeing those hunks at Gate 'A,' 'Bob H. Ass' is now the hottest name in the English language."
