PITTSBURGH - G. Ogden Nutting, the reclusive owner of the Pittsburgh Pirates, broke his silence this morning to address actor Michael Keaton's criticisms of Pirates ownership prior to the team's home opener earlier this week. Lit candles dotted the floor of the press room at PNC Park, and the room was shrouded in a strange mist of unknown origin. Nutting, who arrived via a trap door in the floor, was adorned in a dark flowing cape, and his trademark half-mask hid the disfigurement he suffered in the implosion of Three Rivers Stadium in 2001. The bizarre press conference was brief and to the point.MR. NUTTING: Michael Keaton, insolent fool! You claim the fans should be upset because my team has not had a winning season since 1992. What of YOUR fans, Mr. Keaton? The last time you had a hit movie was also 1992 ["Batman Returns"]. I warn you, Mr. Keaton, keep your hands at the level of your eyes.
At this, Nutting disappeared through the trap door.
In a strange coincidence, less then thirty minutes later, actor Michael Keaton was found strangled to death in his Hollywood Hills home, the apparent victim of the mysterious Punjab Lasso trick. Police say they have no suspects.
