PITTSBURGH - Velveeta Swayne-Lugosi, coordinator of the University of Pittsburgh's Office of Sexual Assault Services, announced that starting immediately the University will give away a free iPod to every female on campus who reports a sexual assault. "It is our hope that women subjected to brutal rapes will be able to enjoy their iPod Classic, with up to 160 GB of storage, throughout the entire medical, judicial, and recovery ordeal."
The giveaway is designed to increase Pitt's historically low sexual assault numbers. "There is a campus rape epidemic in America, except that the victims themselves don't know about it," explained Ms.Swayne-Lugosi. In 2006, of all the crimes reported to Pitt's campus police, there was just one report of an on-campus sexual assault of any kind, compared to 32 burglaries and 120 liquor law violations. "One would think with so many liquor law violations, we would have far more sexual assaults, but sadly that's not the case," said Ms. Swayne-Lugosi.
Ms. Swayne-Lugosi chronicled the chilling facts about campus rape. "Rape is the most underreported of all crimes. We know it's underreported because no one is reporting all these rapes that must be occurring. Which proves, of course, that rape is rampant on campus. We think the free iPod will encourage those women who like to listen to good music and who have been brutally raped, usually by a formerly trusted and loyal male friend or classmate, to come forward."
Ms. Swayne-Lugosi discounted the concerns of male students that the giveaway might encourage false accusations. "That's the whole idea, Einstein," she said. After a short pause she added, "Please don't print that."
And what if free iPods don't get the numbers up? "Well, given the number of burglaries on campus, maybe we'll have to think about changing the feminist mantra from 'All men are rapists' to 'All men are burglars.'"
