"SULTAN OF SULLY" TAKES SENSITIVITY CLASSES, APOLOGIZES TO JESSE JACKSON, AL SHARPTON FOR SLURS
OSAMA BIN LADEN ENTERS REHAB FACILITY TO QUELL ANTI-AMERICAN SLURS
"SULTAN OF SULLY" TAKES SENSITIVITY CLASSES, APOLOGIZES TO JESSE JACKSON, AL SHARPTON FOR SLURS
BARARO EUTHANIZED AMID TAUNTS BY SHIITE DETRACTORS
KENNETT SQUARE, Pa. - Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro was euthanized this morning amid taunts and insults by his Shiite detractors. The gallant colt was defiant to the end, reading from the Koran and calling for "death to the United States." In a tragic irony, moments after Barbaro was pronounced dead, doctors announced that "a mistake of almost unparalleled proportions" had occurred. It was discovered that Barbaro's X-rays somehow were mixed up with those of Penn State football coach Joe Paterno, who suffered a serious leg injury several months ago. Dr. Noah Swayne, Barbaro's attending physician, explained: "As it turned out, Barbaro was fine, but coach Paterno will have to be put down."
BOB MAYO GETS IT RIGHT, AS USUAL
COMMENTARY - It's for good reason that newsman and native Pittsburgher Bob Mayo is a big-deal in Western Pennsylvania. Here's another example where Mr. Mayo gets it right. The Onion, according to Mr. Mayo, is the Madison Wisconsin equivalent of The Carbolic Smoke Ball. Correct! Even The New York Times got this backwards when it called us Pittsburgh's equivalent of The Onion. Mr. Mayo has a new blog we'll be reading called The Busman's Holiday, an informal term for a vacation during which one engages in an activity that is similar to one's usual work.The Hon. Rufus Peckham
CHENEY ISSUES FATWA AGAINST WOLF BLITZER
ATLANTA - Following Vice President Dick Cheney's appearance on CNN's "Situation Room'' last week, Cheney issued a 'fatwa' against CNN news anchor Wolf Blitzer. Cheney promised a lucrative "Halliburton-style government contract," as well as a full Presidential pardon to the person(s) who kill the popular newsman. On the program, Blitzer asked if the Vice President cared to respond to a statement from James Dobson's Focus on the Family regarding the pregnancy of Cheney's lesbian daughter Mary. Dobson's statement was as follows: "Mary Cheney's pregnancy will result in a little, cloven-hooved, child of Satan entering the Vice President's family, which must be of some concern to a traditionalist like the Vice President." Blitzer asked if the Vice President cared to respond to the statement, and Cheney responded: "I think your question is inappropriate." Then Cheney turned and looked directly into the camera: "And mark my words Wolf, you will now die."
Sources close to the Vice President were not surprised. "Bring up Mary Cheney and you disappear," said a staffer who asked to remain anonymous. "James Brown talked about Mary in early December, and even though he told everyone 'I feel good,' you saw what happened to him." The staffer also said, "about a third of the detainees in Guantanamo are there on Mary Cheney-related charges. And Harry Whittington, the guy Cheney shot, well, he only got the 'M-' sound out when Dick plugged him. If he had said the whole name, he'd be dead now."
Blitzer immediately went into hiding at an undisclosed location; ironically, it turned out to be the same undisclosed location where Cheney hides, so Blitzer was forced to move somewhere else.
Sources close to the Vice President were not surprised. "Bring up Mary Cheney and you disappear," said a staffer who asked to remain anonymous. "James Brown talked about Mary in early December, and even though he told everyone 'I feel good,' you saw what happened to him." The staffer also said, "about a third of the detainees in Guantanamo are there on Mary Cheney-related charges. And Harry Whittington, the guy Cheney shot, well, he only got the 'M-' sound out when Dick plugged him. If he had said the whole name, he'd be dead now."
Blitzer immediately went into hiding at an undisclosed location; ironically, it turned out to be the same undisclosed location where Cheney hides, so Blitzer was forced to move somewhere else.
POETRY SOCIETY TO WRITE NEW STEELER SLOGANS
“It’s going to be hard to rhyme with ‘Tomlin,’ but I think we can do something with ‘Mike,’” spokesman saysPITTSBURGH - The Pittsburgh Poetry Society will hold a special symposium March 23-25 to write Steeler slogans for new head coach Mike Tomlin. Well-known Pittsburgh poet Dr. Samuel Hazo made the announcement today. “A slogan can make or break a coach’s career here. It’s too important to leave up to the average fan or sportswriters,” Hazo said. “That’s why we need to involve professional poets. We want to show the general public that poetry can be relevant to their everyday lives.”
The Poetry Society held a similar conference in 1992, when Bill Cowher was selected as head coach. “We came up with ‘Cowher Power’ within the first five minutes. That gave us the rest of the conference time to sit around and drink wine,” Dr. Hazo said, clearly relishing the memory. “Now that was a great conference.”
Hazo admitted that many local poets were rooting for Russ Grimm to get the coaching job. “Russ Grimm has a great name for rhyming. Whisenhut would have been a nightmare for us. Tomlin is a challenge, but I’m confident we can come up with something.” Conference organizers had wanted to schedule the symposium for February, but decided to give society members more “rhyme time,” as they call it, when the Steelers finally made their decision last Sunday.
Hazo also revealed he has written a six-stanza Steeler poem in a simple ABAB rhyme scheme. He declined to read it to reporters, though, saying, “I just submitted it to American Poetry and I don’t want to jinx it.”
PRINCE CHARLES VISITS GENO'S PHILLY CHEESE STEAK TO ENDORSE ITS "ENGLISH ONLY" POLICY
PHILADELPHIA - The Prince of Wales and Duchess of Cornwall came to the city where American colonists declared their independence from the British monarchy Saturday, and they headed straight to South Philadelphia, the birthplace of the world famous Philly cheese steak. Prince Charles wanted to personally endorse the efforts of Joey Vento, the owner of Geno's Philly Cheese Steaks, to require that English be spoken when ordering the quintessential Philadelphia food. The Prince started to correspond with Vento last year when Vento was the center of a maelstrom after placing a sign in his restaurant's window saying: "This is America, please order In English."When the Royals arrived at Geno's, the Prince hugged Vento and the two men prepared to film a public service announcement promoting Vento's "English-only" campaign. Giant cue-cards were brought in for the men to read their lines, and after a few words with the film crew, the director shouted "Action."
Vento, reading from the cards in a stiff and unconvincing manner, yelled, "Yo, Prince, jeet yet?"
"No, Joey," said the Prince, doing his best to imitate a Philadelphia accent. "Jew?"
Vento put his arm around Charles. "Well, I ain't lettin' yous two stop at no Ack-a-me on yer way outa town; yous are both eatin' here at Geno's."
Then the camera closed in on the Prince. "Well, Joey, it's my pleasure, because Great Britain salutes your efforts to promote uniformity in speech as a positive means of finding a common cultural ground in the vast melting pot that is America."
A perplexed look shot across Vento's face, and it was clear he was no longer acting. "Vast what-ing pot? Alright, turn off the cameras," he yelled. Then he glared at the Prince. "I get it, this is a joke, right? Here we're doin' a commercial about 'English-only' and you're puttin' me on, speakin' some other language." After the Prince calmed Vento down, it was decided that Charles' final lines would be filmed from a studio in London. The Royals jumped in their car, and it was off to visit the statue of Sylvester Stallone as Rocky.
PATRAEUS NAMED COMMANDER
WASHINGTON - A Senate committee on Wednesday unanimously voted to approve the nomination of Army Lt. Gen. David Petraeus (above) as commander of American forces in Iraq. Known for the distinctive birthmark on his face, Petraeus impressed the panel with his blunt assessment of the situation on the ground. "I believe we can do the job with the troops we have, but horses damnit, we need more horses."
ROYALS SHEEPISHLY APOLOGIZE FOR BREAKING AMERICAN SYMBOL OF INDEPENDENCE
"ALL CAMILLA DID WAS TOUCH IT," PRINCE PLEADS.
PENS SIGN RAVENSTALL TO BEEF UP BLUE LINE FOR 2ND HALF OF SEASON
PENS' GM IMPRESSED WITH WAY YOUNG MAYOR HANDLED HIMSELF OUTSIDE GATE "A" AT HEINZ FIELD LEADING TO HIS HANDCUFFING AND DETENTION
PITTSBURGH - When the Penguins return to Pittsburgh following their post All Star break road trip, fans can expect to see a much tougher defensive corps on the ice. No, it's not just the much anticipated return of Mark Eaton to the line up: Reports from TSN in Toronto indicate the Pens have signed defenseman Luke Ravenstall to a two- year contract. Terms of the contract have not been disclosed.
PITTSBURGH - When the Penguins return to Pittsburgh following their post All Star break road trip, fans can expect to see a much tougher defensive corps on the ice. No, it's not just the much anticipated return of Mark Eaton to the line up: Reports from TSN in Toronto indicate the Pens have signed defenseman Luke Ravenstall to a two- year contract. Terms of the contract have not been disclosed. Sources close to the organization confirm Ravenstall recently became the object of the team's desire to beef up their blue line. TSN believes the move has nothing to do with ongoing negotiations over a possible new arena. Rather, one source close to the negotiations indicated Pens GM Ray Shero was "quite impressed with the way Ravernstall handled himself in a crowd." Shero explained: "He's as tough as they come. Luke doesn't back down from anyone. Obviously, he's willing to give it all for the team and sacrifice his body in any way necessary. He'll be a great addition to the line up and will keep the crease clear in front of Fluery; I mean no more of that pushing and crowding his line of sight to the puck. He's like the Tasmanian devil, there's no stopping him; unless, of course, someone on the ice has handcuffs."
CARBOLIC FLASHBACK: SEPTEMBER 12, 2001, BUSH HOLDS EMERGENCY CABINET MEETING
"THE EVILDOERS HAVE ATTACKED AMERICA. ROUND UP THE USUAL SUSPECTS -- BY WHICH I MEAN IRAQ."
HILLARY CLINTON: PRESIDENT MISLED COUNTRY
DES MOINES - On her first campaign swing for President, Senator Hillary Clinton spoke candidly with reporters. "I have said clearly and consistently for quite some time that I regret the way the president misused the authority of his office," said Clinton. "He misled Congress and the country on what he was doing and what he intended to do." She paused. "Now that we've covered my husband, let's discuss George Bush."
STATUE OF LIBERTY TO GET NEW ROBE, NYC AND NJ ASKED TO AVERT EYES DURING TWO-HOUR CHANGE
NATIONAL PARK SERVICE RULES OUT APPLYING PASTIES TO FIRST MAMMARY GLANDS OF LIBERTY DURING THE CHANGE. "AFTER ALL, THIS IS LIBERTY ISLAND, NOT A FRENCH CAN-CAN."NEW YORK - The Statue of Liberty is getting a long-overdue makeover this summer, and the most prominent, and controversial, change will be a new robe to cover the 151-foot tall colossus. "The old gal hasn't changed her outfit since she was assembled back in 1886 when the French give her to us," said Noah Swayne of the National Park Service. "It's way past time."
The National Park Service estimates there will be a two-hour period after the statue's old copper robe is shed when Lady Liberty's anatomically correct, realistically painted naked body will be exposed. Noah Swayne said he is "heartsick that the first mammary glands of liberty will be transformed into little more than near-occasions of sin for every male in the New York Metropolitan area, but we have no other choice."
The National Park Service briefly considered, but ultimately rejected, the use of pasties. "That was never given serious consideration," said Swayne. "After all, this is Liberty Island, not a French Can-Can." In the end, Swayne said, the residents of New York and New Jersey within view of the statue will be left to the honor system: the National Park Service is asking them simply to avert their eyes during the change.
"One thing's for sure," Swayne said, "immigrants arriving in New York Harbor that day will get a welcome unlike any other in history."
PORT AUTHORITY CHAIRMAN REGRETS ATTENDING PUBLIC HEARINGS ON MASS TRANSIT CUTS, CLAIMS HE THOUGHT HE WAS INVITED TO CELEBRITY ROAST IN HIS HONOR
PITTSBURGH - Port Authority Chief Executive Officer Steve Bland spoke out against what he claimed were “unfounded and unfair” remarks made about him at a series of hearings held this week to discuss proposed cuts in mass transit. Bland said he never agreed to endure hours of verbal abuse heaped upon him by angry, frustrated members of the general public. “I was under the impression I was going to a celebrity roast in my honor,” said Mr. Bland. “I knew from the beginning something was amiss when an elderly African-American male took to the podium and delivered a blistering indictment of our standard business practices, and the philosophical underpinnings of our policies.” Mr. Bland said the ferocity of the gentleman’s harangue left him momentarily stunned. “Hold on a minute,” said Bland. “You’ re not Slappy White!” Mr. Bland said this further inflamed the man, who had to be escorted from the room by security.
Mr. Bland said he regrets subjecting himself to so many insults. “I had so much material prepared for my rebuttal,” he said. “I had about thirty-five minutes of sure-fire comic gold. Hundreds of jokes at the expense of the aged, infirmed, and indigent. I would have killed.” Mr. Bland said lawyers for the Port Authority advised him “at the last minute” to abort his act. “It’s too bad,” he said. “Joey Bishop gave me some great stuff.”
LOCAL LANDSLIDE RIVALRY HEATS UP: O’HARA TOWNSHIP OFFICIALS DROP 4,000 TONS ON ROUTE 28
KILBUCK TOWNSHIP, WAL-MART SAY, "NICE TRY, BUT YOU GUYS AREN'T IN THE SAME LEAGUE AS US."
COUNTY OUTSOURCES PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION TO INDIA
"SKYBUS" SHOULD BE FULLY OPERATIONAL BY SPRING, ACCORDING TO EXECUTIVE DAN ONORATO
BUSH SET NEW RECORD FOR STRINGING MEANINGLESS PLATITUDES
WASHINGTON - Starting with "the state of our union is strong," right through to "America will never rest," the president strung together 1123 meaningless statements in his 50 minute State of the Union Address on Tuesday, topping the 1097 he used in the 2005 speech."It's really quite impressive, he goes from the patriotic to the patronizing to the totally incomprehensible with complete ease," said senate minority leader Trent Lott. "The country is truly blessed to have a president who possesses absolutely no vision and who can express it so clearly." Linguist Walter Craswell of Michigan State University explained that, contrary to popular belief, Bush's rhetoric is one of his strenths: "The complete avoidance of any hint of substance in Bush's speeches helps him stay on message, and he does that very well."
PRESIDENT BREAKS WITH TRADITION, OPENS STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS BY PRESENTING SPEAKER WITH FLOWERS, CANDY
Chief Executive, In Stage Whisper, Asks Joint House of Congress, “Don’t You Just Love How She’s Wearing Her Hair These Days?”
BUSH TELLS NATION HE'S LOOKED AT IRAQ SITUATION CLOSELY AND HAS THE SOLUTION
"WE'RE GONNA NEED A BIGGER BOAT . . ."
WPXI CHIEF METEOROLOGIST RELIEVED OF COMMAND, NEWS DIRECTOR SAYS COWARDLY BEHAVIOR IN FACE OF ARCTIC CLIPPER MADE MOVE NECESSARY
PITTSBURGH - WPXI News Director Corrie Harding relieved former WPXI Chief Meteorologist Mike Lapoint of his command today. LaPoint remains employed by the station, pending an internal investigation over charges that LaPoint “broke down” in the face of a cold front that brought frozen precipitation and the coldest air of the season to the Pittsburgh region. According to a WPXI employee, who spoke on condition of anonymity, LaPoint “cracked up” when Doppler Radar detected a solid band of lake-effect snow showers moving into the area late Monday evening. “The Chief began shaking, and he couldn’t stop,” said the source. “He was frothing at the mouth. He started running around the set. At one point he grabbed Peggy Finnegan by the shoulders and began shouting, 'What are we going to do? What are we going to do?'" Anchorman David Johnson and WPXI sports director John Fedko were eventually able to subdue LaPoint, but not before he bit Johnson. Johnson was treated at Allegheny General Hospital for a minor wound. As a precaution, he was given a series of shots to test for rabies. Mr. Harding blamed LaPoint’s behavior on “fatigue, and the stress of dealing on a day-to-day basis with the unrelenting pressures of preparing winter forecasts for a meat-and-potatoes market like Pittsburgh .”
Harding offered get well wishes for his former Chief Meteorologist. “We are all hoping that Mike has a speedy recovery.” Harding named Weather Plus Meteorologist Scott Harbaugh Interim Commander of Storm Team Eleven. He set no timetable for the selection of a new Chief Meteorologist.
TOMLIN BUYS LUXURY HOME IN NORTH CAROLINA
WIFE TO SKIP MOVING TO PITTSBURGH ALTOGETHER; COWHER PREPARES MUFFIN BASKETS FOR NEW NEIGHBORPITTSBURGH - The Rooney family and Steeler fans nationwide were surprised today when new head coach Mike Tomlin announced he has purchased a new luxury home in North Carolina. The Steelers had expected Tomlin to fly to Birmingham, Alabama for the Senior Bowl immediately following his introductory news conference on Monday. However, that plan was scrapped when Tomlin changed planes in Charlotte on his way to Alabama.
"I'd never been to North Carolina, but based on what I saw at the Charlotte airport, I thought my wife and I would really enjoy living here. Fortunately, Bill Cowher happened to call my cell phone while I was there to congratulate me about the job. He offered to pick me up and show me what was available around his place."
Tomlin, whose contract is reportedly worth $2.5 million per year, denied that he is considering retirement. "We're not making any decisions about retirement until after the season," he said.
Tomlin's wife will take up residence in North Carolina, and bypass Pittsburgh entirely. "The flight schedule out of Pittsburgh looks pretty good, but I figure I can also take the Turnpike and fly out of Cleveland if I have to." With his wife out of town and a new home in the south, Tomlin will not bother looking for a house in Pittsburgh. "I'm setting up a cot in my office, and I can use the locker room to shower. As soon as I find a hotplate, I'll be good to go."
GRIMM LOST STEELERS' JOB DUE TO RESUME IRREGULARITIES
PITTSBURGH - Inside sources report that Russ Grimm lost the Steelers’ coaching job because of discrepancies in his resume. The Steelers said they were unable to confirm the resume’s claim that Grimm formerly served as the lead attraction in the Flying Wallendas until he was selected to serve as Secretary of State under President Harry Truman.
BUSH: "State of union strong. Support the troops, end addiction to foreign oil, pretty girls and puppies make me smile."
Bush advances little new ground; Cheney dozes, ogles Speaker Pelosi; President reprimands Justices Roberts and Alito for not applauding.WASHINGTON - President Bush trod startling little new ground in his State of the Union address last night. Three events, however, livened up an otherwise moribund affair.
While the President was outlining his technology initiative to end America's dependence on foreign oil, the head of dozing Vice President Cheney slumped over into the lap of Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. Bush, pausing mid-sentence to acknowledge a wave of tittering, glanced behind him and quipped, "Where's my camera when I need it?" Cheney awakened to the roar of laughter that greeted the line. The Vice President's office later explained that Mr. Cheney is taking a special medication for an alleged tennis elbow that "makes him drool and that forces his head involuntarily to droop, sometimes into the laps of persons next to him."
Midway through the speech, the President stopped and called for a "drink break -- for Republicans only." (Pictured above.)
The other unplanned moment occurred when an obviously disgusted Bush chided the four Supreme Court members in attendance for not joining Congress in applauding the speech. The President singled out Chief Justice Roberts and Justice Alito. "You know, both you guys are new to this thing, but already you're acting like the rest of those clowns [Supreme Court Justices]. You sit there stone-faced, like you don't get what I'm saying up here. These are the jokes, man! Show some damn life, and remember who put you there."
Following the President's speech, Howard Stern delivered the Democrats rebuttal, but most of Stern's statement was censored.
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