IN OPEN LETTER, MYRON COPE URGES PIRATES TO LEAVE TOWN
"Mario can stay, but the Nuttings should send the Bucs to the first one-horse town that offers to take them," retired broadcaster says. Also calls for departure of city council.
CARBOLIC SMOKE BALL STAFF WRITERS SERVE AS JUDGES AT AUDITION FOR OPENING ACT OF GENE COLLIER SHOW
Representatives of the Carbolic Smoke Ball were judges on Friday night at Cefalo's for auditions of fifteen aspiring comedians to serve as opening act at the upcoming Gene Collier show on February 24. It was a difficult decision because the talent level was high throughout and at least four or five contestants could have justifiably won. But in the end the Smoke Ball judges gave the edge to two contestants -- a tie between T. Jones and Andrew Limberg. A big, appreciative crowd had a great time, and the two winners not only were hilarious, they are nice guys, too. "An Evening with Gene Collier" (Feb. 24th - 9pm ~ $10 advance/$12 at the door) will be hosted by WDVE's Mike Wysocki and feature these two young comedians, along with a segment by the incomparable John McIntire. Gene will share stories of his career along with his killer brand of comedy, followed by a special audience Q & A session.
ANNA NICOLE SMITH FUNERAL TO BE HELD AT WESTMINSTER ABBEY
MILLIONS OF DISTRAUGHT FANS LEAVING FLOWERS, G-STRINGS AND PASTIES AT GATES OF BUCKINGHAM PALACE
LOCAL NEWS GEARING UP FOR WINTER STORM COVERAGE
- WTAE PROMISES EXCLUSIVE SALLY WIGGIN INTERVIEW WITH TEEN WHO SHOVELS MIKE TOMLIN’S DRIVEWAY
- KDKA TO AIR IN DEPTH REPORT ON HOW SNOW-BLOWERS CAN KILL YOU
- WPXI’S ANDY GASTMEYER WONDERS: THE DONNER PARTY: COULD IT HAPPEN HERE?
BIMBO CONCLAVE CONVENES TO CHOOSE SUCCESSOR FOR ANNA NICOLE SMITH
PARIS HILTON ASKS HOLY SPIRIT TO GUIDE HER SELECTION THROUGH PRAYER, TEXT MESSAGING
PITTSBURGH FAILS TO MAKE FAT LIST
PITTSBURGH - Pittsburgh mayor Luke Ravenstahl today expressed annoyance with the Men's Fitness Magazine rankings of the Fittest and Fattest US cities in the March issue. "I don't need any damn magazine to tell me that when it comes to the fattest cities," Ravenstahl said, "we can compete with anyone." The Mayor held up a Primanti Brothers' sandwich: "People here french fries in their sandwiches, for cryin' out loud." The mayor added: "The six words you never hear in Pittsburgh are, 'Do I look fat in this?' That's because everybody knows the answer."Ravenstahl is confident that the city will hold on to its current titles: Highest Cholesterol in North America, Largest Average Waistline, and Most Plus-Size Dress Stores. Ravenstahl is guardedly optimistic that Youngstown will re-take the "Fullest Moustache - Ladies" award back from Pittsburgh this year.
GOVERNOR ED RENDELL: “READ MY LIPS. JUST GIVE ME A SECOND TO WIPE OFF THE MAYONNAISE FIRST”
GOVERNOR DEFENDS PROPOSED 1% SALES TAX INCREASE, BUT SAYS, “I WILL SEE THAT MOST FOOD ITEMS WILL NOT BE AFFECTED." POLITICAL WATCHDOGS SAY NEW TAX WILL BE HARD TO SWALLOW, BUT RENDELL COUNTERS, "I CAN HELP WITH THAT, TOO."
WPXI MISTAKENLY SENDS REPORTER JODINE COSTANZO TO CONVENTION CENTER FOR SEASON’S FIRST “POTHOLE PATROL” SEGMENT
PETITE COSTANZO, EQUIPPED WITH NOTHING MORE THAN A 12-INCH WOODEN RULER, FALLS IN 20 BY 60-FOOT CRATER, LOCAL PARAMEDICS ATTEMPT TO SAVE HER WITH “JAWS OF LIFE,” BUT FORCED TO USE CRANE SINCE BILL COWHER NO LONGER AVAILABLE
CARTOON NETWORK CHIEF RESIGNS OVER BOSTON BOMB SCARE
VOLATILE COSMO G. SPACELY CASHES OUT ON GOLDEN PARACHUTE; "LEAVES LEGACY AS TOUGH WHEELER DEALER WHO BERATED EMPLOYEES," SAID COMPETITOR W.C. COGSWELL
ELTON JOHN TO PERFORM REMAKE OF REMAKE OF "CANDLE IN THE WIND" AS TRIBUTE TO ANNA NICOLE SMITH AT WESTMINSTER ABBEY FUNERAL
HOWARD K. STERN SAYS RETREAD TRIBUTE DISHONORS SMITH'S MEMORY: "HE HAD NINE YEARS SINCE DIANA, YOU MEAN TO TELL ME HE COULDN'T COME UP WITH SOMETHING ORIGINAL?"
BUXOM BLOND SEX SYMBOL WITH HISTORY OF PSYCHIATRIC, SUBSTANCE ABUSE PROBLEMS DIES UNDER MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES
KENNEDY FAMILY DENIES RESPONSIBILITY
WALTER CRONKITE TO COME OUT OF RETIREMENT FOR ROUND THE CLOCK COVERAGE OF ANNA NICOLE SMITH’S FUNERAL
LEGENDARY ANCHORMAN SAYS “THIS STORY IS TOO BIG FOR COURIC, AND THAT’S THE WAY IT IS”
GRIEVING JOE HARDY LEFT TO WONDER WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN
“GIVE ME ANOTHER FIFTEEN YEARS AND A SERIES OF DEBILITATING STROKES, AND I COULD HAVE BEEN MR. ANNA NICOLE SMITH”
WECHT TO PERFORM AUTOPSY ON ANNA NICOLE SMITH
FAMED FORENSIC PATHOLOGIST SAYS SECOND GUNMAN ON GRASSY KNOLL LIKELY INVOLVED
CAPTAIN KIRK REVEALS HE CARRIED OUT ENTIRE FIVE YEAR MISSION ABOARD STARSHIP ENTERPRISE IN DIAPERS
"I BOLDLY WENT WHERE NO MAN HAD GONE BEFORE."
NASA IGNORED PRECEDENT THAT SHOULD HAVE WARNED IT OF NOWAK'S PSYCHOLOGICAL PROBLEMS
IN 2001, THE HAL-9000 COMPUTER ON THE DISCOVERY ONE JUPITER MISSION SLIPPED INTO DIAPERS JUST BEFORE IT WENT ON MURDEROUS RAMPAGE
ALL CONVENTION CENTER EVENTS TEMPORARILY MOVED TO WABASH TUNNEL
AUTO SHOW ATTENDEES URGED TO WEAR COATS; DON BARDEN PONDERS USING WABASH TUNNEL AS TEMPORARY CASINO
HOMESTEAD KINDERGARTEN STUDENT TAPPED TO BE COURTROOM ARTIST FOR LIBBY TRIAL
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Five-year old Tiffany Bartholomew, a student a Homestead Kindergarten, was selected last week to assume the duties of courtroom artist in the perjury trial of I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, Tiffany's mother revealed this afternoon. Pictured above is Tiffany's rendering of NBC newsman Tim Russert, who testified today. "The man has a microphone," Tiffany explained.According to U.S. District Clerk of Courts Bob Haas, Tiffany's sample drawing submission "blew everyone away. She draws people's souls." Haas explained that he "wanted to get away from the drab court room picture. The spirit of the trial is what's important." Haas also revealed he is looking for writing samples from fourth and fifth grade students. The lucky winner will help the Judge write the judicial opinions for the case. "Kids are honest," said Haas, "and that's more important than knowing all about the law and so forth."
RENDELL'S BUDGET INCLUDES COST OF NEW LINENS FOR HIS TABLE AT MORTON'S STEAKHOUSE
NO MORE MONEY FOR PORT AUTHORITY
FCC FINES WPXI REPORTER FOR EXCESSIVE ALLITERATION, NEWS DIRECTOR PROMISES TO USE ALTERNATIVE LITERARY DEVICES IN FUTURE BROADCASTS
PITTSBURGH - The FCC has fined WPXI Channel Eleven and WPXI Westmoreland County Bureau Chief Alan Jennings one million dollars for violating the Clichés In Communications Act. The Act, or CICA, was signed into law by President Clinton in 1999. The CICA forbids local television reporters from using alliteration more than once during any sixty second on-air appearance. According to a statement released by the office of FCC Chairman Kevin Martin, the violations in question occurred during a piece by Jennings broadcast on February 6, 2007. Mr. Jennings, who was reporting on a series of burglaries in Hempfield Township , allegedly described the incidents as “dastardly, daring,” and “daylight.” He went on to call the perpetrators “crazed, crafty,” and “cretinous.”
This is not the first time Jennings has run afoul of the FCC. Last week, in the first of a three part series on how to assemble and wear layered clothing, Mr. Jennings referred to his scarf as “silky, sleek,” and “stylish.” That incident caused the FCC to send WPXI written notification that Mr. Jennings work was being reviewed by English professors for potential violations of the CICA. WPXI News Director Corrie Harding said he plans to meet with Mr. Jennings about using other literary devices. “I think Alan could work in a simile, or a metaphor every once in a while,” said Harding. “And I have no problem with the occasional use of assonance.” When asked if Mr. Jennings would be permitted to use onomatopoeia, Harding declined to answer. “I’ll have to check with our lawyers,” he said.
BUSH WANTS 2008 DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION AT PITTSBURGH'S CONVENTION CENTER
PREZ SAYS IT WOULD BE "A REAL HOOT TO SEE HILLARY FALL THROUGH THE FLOOR LIKE THAT TRUCK"
BONDS ADMITS STEROID USE
Started “juicing” after lousy throw in 1992 NLCS: "That [throw] was a wake-up call; I owe all my success to that tortoise Sid Bream."SAN FRANCISCO – In a rare and candid interview today, San Francisco Giants slugger Barry Bonds admitted for the first time that he has used steroids for years, in fact much earlier than previously thought.
“Those two reporters [Lance Williams and Marc Fainaru-Wada] wrote that I started using because I was jealous of Mark McGuire getting all the attention in 1998 for his home run record," Bonds said. "Man, that wasn’t it. I started using steroids after the National League Championship series against the Braves in 1992.” Pirates’ fans remember that series all too well. In Game 7, the Pirates held a 2-1 lead in the bottom of the ninth. With the bases loaded, Atlanta’s Francisco Cabrera hit a single to left, and Bonds’ high, arching throw failed to reach home plate before Sid Bream, who had been on second. At the time, Sid Bream was widely regarded as the slowest man in professional baseball -- perhaps any sport, professional or amateur --and his winning run drove a stake through the heart of Pittsburghers everywhere. For Bonds, it was a wake-up call. “I figured out that if I can’t throw out a gimpy white guy, I wouldn’t last much longer in the big leagues. That’s when I started using ‘supplements.’”
Post-Gazette columnist, statistical guru and longtime Pirates’ fan Brian O’Neill fumed that he is outraged. “I’m outraged,” he fumed. “If [Bonds] was going to destroy the integrity of the game anyway, why couldn’t he have done it at the start of the 1992 season instead of the end?"
Bonds is unfazed by the criticism. “I’m not here to talk about the past. I’m looking to the future. If – make that 'when' – I break Hank Aaron’s home run record this season, Sid Bream will be in my VIP box right next to my wife, trainer, and ex-mistress. I owe that guy a lot.”
ASTRONAUT LISA NOWAK TRIES TO KIDNAP ROMANTIC RIVAL FOR AFFECTION OF SHUTTLE PILOT, MAJOR TONY NELSON
PLOT THWARTED WHEN WOULD-BE VICTIM, BELOW, TURNED KIDNAPPER INTO A GOAT.
SEISMIC TESTS REVEAL CONVENTION CENTER BUILT ATOP ANCIENT BURIAL GROUND, AUTO SHOW PREPARATIONS "MUST HAVE ANGERED" THE SPIRITS
- Expert Tangina Barrons called in for site remediation: "Cross over children. All are welcome. Go into the Light. There is peace and serenity in the Light."
- Mayor Ravenstahl confronts convention center's construction manager: "You son of a bitch. You moved the cemetery, but you left the bodies, didn't you? You son of a bitch, you left the bodies and you only moved the head stones! You only moved the head stones!"
NASA REVEALS THAT SPACE SHUTTLE DISCOVERY STRUCK BY MYSTERIOUS BEAM FROM ANOTHER GALAXY LAST SUMMER, ASTRONAUT LISA NOWAK "NOT RIGHT" EVER SINCE
SPACE AGENCY BECAME "CONCERNED" WHEN SHE KEPT MUTTERING THAT SHE NEEDED TO CONTACT "THE MOTHER SHIP"
BOB THE BUILDER RETAINED TO REPAIR CONVENTION CENTER
LOCAL UNIONS PROTEST CONTRACT BEING AWARDED TO OUT-OF-STATE, NON-UNION SHOP
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