After 90-day wait, Pirates will name Dave Littlefield as new GM
NUTTING TO FOLLOW THE MAYOR'S HIRING PROTOCOL
After 90-day wait, Pirates will name Dave Littlefield as new GM
BUSH DISPELS TALK THAT RICE DOESN'T THINK BIN LADEN IS THREAT: "CONDI DIDN'T SAY BIN LADEN WAS 'IMPOTENT,' SHE SAID HE WAS 'IMPORTANT'"
Bush blames misquote on Condi's "black accent"
JOE HARDY TEMPORARILY WAKES UP FROM COMMISSIONERS MEETING TO ANNOUNCE HE IS PERMANENTLY BOWING OUT OF FAYETTE COUNTY POLITICS
'BILLIONAIRE HILLBILLY' NODS OFF IMMEDIATELY AFTER ANNOUNCEMENT; MUMBLES "KRISTIN, KRISTIN, STOP IT, YOU'RE GOING TO GIVE ME A HEART ATTACK" WHILE DOZING
MORE NEWS FROM FAYETTE COUNTY: ANGRY MOB PROTESTS PLACEMENT OF 'BIG MAC' MUSEUM IN NORTH HUNTINGDON, DEMANDS MUSEUM BE MOVED TO UNIONTOWN
LIFELONG RESIDENT BETTY "YOO HOO" GORLEY SAYS THE SANDWICH WAS INVENTED IN FAYETTE COUNTY SEAT, AND ALL THIS 'NORTH HUNTINGDON NONSENSE' AND 'THOSE PITTSBURGH BASTARDS TRYING TO TAKE CREDIT FOR IT' IS BOGUS
Forbidden Love
Pittsburgh man and Cleveland woman defy family and friends to pursue relationship, despite their different football allegiances
U.N. REPORT LISTS WORLD ORGANIZATIONS MOST OPPRESSIVE TO WOMEN
(1) al Qaeda(2) The Taliban
(3) Southwest Airlines
STEELERS COACH LARRY ZIERLEIN OFFERS TO SEND PATRIOTS VIDEOTAPES THAT ARE "MORE INTERESTING" THAN THE JETS' DEFENSIVE SIGNALS
Tapes feature a woman named Debbie doing New York and other NFL cities
BOB NUTTING'S DAUGHTER IS DEBUTANTE AT PENNY PINCHERS BALL
No gowns, no ballroom for cheapskates at this "ball"; festivities held at South Park Fairgrounds, and debutantes wear name tags
LOCAL WOMAN TIES THE KNOT WITH STEELY McBEAM
Bridesmaids fit Fredericka Carlisle of Brentwood with veil; the new Mrs. McBeam says she "can't wait to see if Steely has a giant [penis] that resembles a puppet."
iJUSTINE SUES NICKELODEON FOR INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY INFRINGEMENT
Claims network's new show, "iCarly," steals her "totally bitchin' idea" of a young girl with no discernible abilities becoming an Internet sensation
Sacks, Lies and Videotape.
The New England Patriots re-release their Super Bowl highlight videos under a new name
BUSH LAUNCHES WAR ON PRODUCE
"We're going to fight them over there," the President declared, "so I don'thave to eat them over here"
EX-HOOKER CLAIMS SHE HAD SEX WITH REPUBLICAN SEN. DAVID VITTER
GOP LEADERSHIP IS ECSTATIC: "THANK THE LORD IT'S A WOMAN!"
MAYVIEW MENTAL PATIENTS PROTEST HOSPITAL'S CLOSURE
Patients not ready to be released, say doctors, as shown by the sign they were carrying
BUSH TELLS AIDES HE HAS 'REAL GOOD IDEA,' DECLARES U.S. VICTORY IN IRAQ
"Who the hell's gonna know the difference?" President asks
PITTSBURGH ZOOKEEPERS SURPRISED TO FIND THIRD POLAR BEAR IN EXHIBIT
Many employees are beginning to suspect it’s just some guy in a bear suit
HOMELAND SECURITY SHUTS DOWN RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL
WEST NEWTON, PA – Agents from the United States Department of Homeland Security have closed the Renaissance Festival, which was scheduled to run through the end of the month.“We saw what was going on,” explained Barkley Givens, the agent who lead the assault force. “Medieval people wearing military-style clothing, practicing with ancient weapons – it was a Taliban training camp alright.” According to Givens, over 100 jousting knights, jesters, magicians, artists and food vendors were rounded up and transported to the US Navy’s prison at Guantanamo Bay.
Festival performers were stunned by the raid. “When I saw the Blackhawk Helicopters coming over the ridge, I thought to myself ‘they’re really out of place here,’” said Velveeta Lugosi-Swayne, a member of the improv comedy group Washing Well Wenches, who was entertaining at the time. “They interrupted me in the middle of my bit on the Battle of Hastings, and that really ticked me off!”
Givens said another goal of the raid was to seize all cash at the ticket gate and from the vendors. “We didn’t want that money lining the pockets of Osama Bin Laden or his evildoing brethren. Call it the 'Royal Collection of Tribute' if you will,” he said with a laugh.
PNC'S JIM RORH RETURNS $48 MILLION TO TAXPAYERS -- IN PENNIES
Angry CEO dumps coins in Tribune-Review's parking lot, calls for paper's Colin McNickle to "come out and pick them up"
LOCAL MAN SUES BOGUS MDs FOR BOTCHED FACELIFT
Man left with unsightly bolts on neck and gruesome scar on forehead. Doctors' sole defense: "His head was already flat before we started."
STEELERS TO WEAR 750TH ANNIVERSARY THROWBACK UNIFORMS THIS SUNDAY
"They cut down on my mobility a little bit," Ben Roethlisberger said, "but I can't wait to call a quarterback sneak."
LOCAL WOMAN ARRESTED FOR ATTENDING COCKFIGHT
Norma Vincente claims she thought "cockfighting" was no-holds-barred ultimate fighting between naked men
SUBURBANITES CHOOSING SHRUBBERY INSTEAD OF SECURITY
5 million homeowners now live in irrigated communities
THE 'PATRIARCHY' ISN'T SOME ABSTRACTION INVENTED BY FEMINISTS, IT'S ME AND TWO OTHER GUYS
COMMENTARY BY THE HON. RUFUS PECKHAM - The so-called "gender" feminists have it all wrong. They are correct when they say there is a patriarchy that governs all social structures, but they're wrong when they talk about it as an abstraction. The Board of Governors of the Federal Patriarchal System is me and two other guys. I am currently serving my seventh 6-year term. We regulate the Patriarchy. Every American male 18 and older is a voting member.The Board of Governors is charged with maintaining the male privileged social order in a variety of ways far too complex to detail here. Among other things, we periodically adjust the glass ceiling and the gender wage differential, much like the Federal Reserve Bank adjusts the prime lending rate, but only in the smallest increments necessary to appease women and, thus, maintain the social order.
When boys' test scores lag behind girls', we subtly revise the SAT to skew the results in ways favoring males. Unfortunately, we expect we will need to do this with greater frequency in the future because the average teenage male's mind is turning to rot by spending virtually all his spare time playing video games and masturbating. Teenage girls, on the other hand, actually read a great deal. Our latest excuse for the failings of the younger members of our gender is that the classroom setting, which the Patriarchy established long before girls were permitted to attend school, is much too disciplined for our naturally rambunctious boys.
Our strongest defense in maintaining male domination is to divert women's attention from real issues of equality with a "straw man" that is easily knocked down: the radical gender feminist. The Patriarchy secretly invented several of the best known radical feminists as well as their pithy catchphrases ("Man-hating is an honorable and viable political act." "All men are rapists." "Kill your fathers, not your mothers." I am proud that I wrote each of these).
The Patriarchy also secretly runs the most popular of the radical feminist blogs. These blogs, which attract the lunatic man-hating fringe, espouse hysterical dogma so patently inane that the vast majority of women immediately dismiss it as lacking any credibility. Among other idiotic concoctions found on these blogs are the following (again, my inventions): "The crucifixion is just another blood sacrifice fixated on by men who were/are pissed off because they can’t menstruate." And: "The male sex represents a degeneration and deformity of the female." There is even a "ban all urinals" movement, invented by another member of our Board of Governors, which teaches that men who stand while urinating are triumphing in their masculinity and, thus, are misogynists. (I could just kick myself for not coming up with that one.) Of course, when we're pretending to be radical feminist bloggers, we make sure to sprinkle our diatribes with abusive and foul language, a hallmark of modern militant feminism. We do all these things to insure that no one takes seriously any attacks on the Patriarchy.
I will end on a sobering note, but one that is necessary to make: If the Board of Governors ever loses control and the militant feminists take up arms and start the "revolution" they dream about, I'm afraid we'll have no choice but to destroy them all. So please, let me and the other two chief Patriarchs do our job, and no one gets hurt.
NEW STUDY SUGGESTS LIBERALS ARE "MORE RESPONSIVE TO INFORMATIONAL COMPLEXITY" THAN CONSERVATIVES
Scientists say margin of error is "plus-or-minus Al Sharpton"
JULIUS AND ETHEL ROSENBERG ACCUSED OF SPYING ON NEW YORK JETS FOR NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
Jets say that American communists who passed nuclear weapons secrets to the Soviet Union in the 1940s "are up to their old tricks"
NFL DETERMINES PATRIOTS WEREN'T VIDEOTAPING JETS' SIGNALS
Commissioner Roger Goodell said he "studied tape very closely" and concluded the Patriots are "into nice asses -- and I mean, very nice asses!"
FOX'S PIZZA IN BALDWIN, PA SAYS IT WILL MAKE PUBLIC 'GUT-WRENCHING' SEPTEMBER 11 TAPES OF PIZZA TELEPHONE ORDERS
IN ONE EMOTIONAL CALL, CALLER SAID: "WOW, YOU SHOULD SEE WHAT THEY'RE SHOWING ON THE TV, MAN! CAN I HAVE A LARGE WITH SAUSAGE AND PEPPERONI TO GO?"
NEW YORK - Ron Jones, owner of Fox's Pizza in Baldwin, Pennsylvania, said today he will make public the tapes of September 11 pizza telephone orders at his pizza shop. "I've steadfastly refused to release these tapes for six years," Jones said, "because of their grueling content" relating to the terrorist attacks on New York and Washington. He says he has reconsidered in light of the tapes' "extraordinary historical significance," not to mention a book he is writing based on the tapes that he expects will bring him a "tidy payday."
None of the callers on the tapes had any connection with the World Trade Center; all of them made the calls from Western Pennsylvania. But Jones insists a few of the calls contain "indirect, oblique but implied references" to the terrorist attacks that were occurring that day, and thus "provide a window into the souls of the terrorists."
On one of the calls, a male caller is heard to say, "You should see what they're showing on TV, dude [referring to the World Trade Center attacks]. Wow! Can I have a large with pepperoni and sausage to go?" Jones refers to that call as "spine-tingling." A female caller is heard to ask: "Did you see the TV? I was just in New York last summer, and boy am I glad I'm not there now."
Several callers asked, "Do you deliver?"
Jones predicts the "gut-wrenching calls" will be studied by scholars "for centuries to come." An informal poll shows the public is divided as to whether the tapes should be released. Melissa Lugosi-Bloomberg of Baldwin echoed the majority: "The real question is, why did they record those calls in the first place? And then why did they save them?"
President Bush Admits Failed Iraq Policy Stems From Misreading 'My Pet Goat' As An Allegory
WASHINGTON - President Bush candidly admitted that failings in his Iraq policy stem from his misinterpreting "My Pet Goat" as a allegory. Bush was reading the story, actually titled "The Pet Goat," with a group of school children on September 11, 2001 in Sarasota, Florida when he got word of the World Trade Center attacks.The story centers around a girl's goat that eats everything in its path to the chagrin of the girl's parents who want to be rid of it. In the end, the goat emerges as a hero when it butts a would-be car thief into submission.
White House press secretary Tony Snow explained that for the past five years, the President interpreted the goat to be the U.S. military which is forced to battle both the liberal congress (the girl's parents in the story) and Islamic fascists (the would-be car thief). "Given the significant emotion of the day [September 11], that book left a searing impression on the President," Snow said. "He based his entire Mid-East policy on the lessons he gleaned from it."
The problem, Snow said, was that the day the President read the story, he was interrupted by "nameless persons" who "broke his concentration" by apprising him of the World Trade Center attacks. "That was unfortunate," said Snow. Ever since, Bush has talked on and off about re-reading the book without interruption but "just never got around to it." A disgusted Snow explained: "He could have re-read it a hundred times for all the times he's talked about re-reading it."
Finally last night the President set aside four hours and studiously labored through the fifteen-page story. This time he read it in an entirely new light. "On closer reading," Snow said, "the President concluded that the story has nothing whatsoever to do with the Mid-East, or the American military. It's just a story about a very heroic goat who thwarts a crime." Snow said the President "fully supports the goat in his efforts to help bring law and order to the streets of our inner city neighborhoods." Snow added that Bush also plans to announce an immediate pull-out of American troops from Iraq, which he will call "Operation Cut and Run."
MIKE TOMLIN GETS FIRST WIN AND RETIRES IMMEDIATELY AFTER THE GAME WITH A PERFECT RECORD OF 1-0
“I’ve done what I came here to accomplish,” Tomlin said.
BIN LADEN'S LATEST VIDEO WAS SPONSORED BY GRECIAN FORMULA FOR ISLAMIC FANATICS
"Death to America, death to capitalism, and restore your natural beard color in just three weeks!" -- Osama bin Laden
A Peckham Classic column: September 10, 2001: "About time we lay off inconsequential Osama Bin Laden"
Judge Peckham is on assignment today, so we're rerunning one of his classic columns, which originally ran six years ago today.
September 10, 2001
NEW YORK - It is rarely spoken about even in the furtive corridors of the CIA building. Our elected officials invariably deny it.
But this office has obtained proof positive, in the form of a secret memo from CIA Director George Tenet, that the United States "has declared war."
With whom exactly are we at war? Russia? China? North Korea? None of the above. We are "at war" not with a nation but with a person, indeed someone few Americans have ever even heard of. Someone who is not a threat to us. As preposterous as it sounds, the most powerful nation in the history of the world is "at war" with an innocuous nomadic Muslin fanatic named Osama bin Laden.
Bin Laden has no army, only meager resources, and from what I can tell after studying the situation closely, only good intentions toward the United States. It is obvious to any rational person that we should not be "at war" with this person.
But the CIA is concocting all manner of doomsday scenario to panic us; the most absurd being that bin Laden intends to use our own airplanes as weapons against us.
This cannot and will not happen. When was the last time you heard of an American jetliner being hijacked to Havana? It used to happen practically daily, but with high-tech metal detectors in place, our airports have become invulnerable to sabotage. (There is a feeling among some that the CIA wants to scare us so that they can insist upon unnecessary security measures at our airports. One of the most laughable would require us to remove our shoes as we proceed through the metal detectors. This might be acceptable in Japan where removing shoes is a national fetish, but it will never happen here.)
The fact is we could track down and destroy bin Laden and his puny band of supporters any time we want to. And if he dared try anything at all, the whole world -- France, Germany, you name it -- would back us 150% in obliterating the Muslin nations of our choice. Bin Laden would not dare do that to his own people. In any event, the Muslim people would not allow bin Laden to bring harm to us. They love the United States too much; they love Western culture too much.
It is time we put the CIA's resources to better use than to harass this little flea, this nothing, Osama bin what's-his-name.
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