"What were the odds?" says fired manager.
POPE LEO XIV NOT OFFICIALLY POPE YET--HE'S HAGGLING OVER CONTRACT TERMS RIGHT NOW
AT ISSUE: LEO INSISTS ON SIX WEEKS VACATION, THE VATICAN SAYS FOUR
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TRUMP CONTINUES TO NEGOTIATE WITH PRIME MINISTER MARK CARNEY TO BUY CANADA
"You still won't sell? I don't need to tell you who this is with me. So, Mark, either your signature or your brains will be on this contract."
TRUMP NEGOTIATES WITH PRIME MINISTER MARK CARNEY TO BUY CANADA
"You say it's not for sale? Mark, this is the great Hannibal Lecter. Either you make this deal or he eats your face."
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LEADING CANDIDATE FOR POPE SAYS HE WILL BE 'POPE KANYE' IF ELECTED
Cardinal Pietro Parolin said he also considered "Pope Bono" and "Pope Sting"--but "'Kanye' should have appeal to Catholics in the Black community."
SINCE RETURNING FROM ROME, TRUMP HAS MADE SOME CHANGES
Cabinet members now address him as "Your Holiness"
BIDEN BOMBSHELL: 'POPE FRANCIS MADE ME A CARDINAL 𝙄𝙉 𝙋𝙀𝘾𝙏𝙊𝙍𝙀 BEFORE HE DIED'
BREAKING NEWS: JD VANCE REVEALS POPE'S DYING WORDS
"He leaned over and whispered in my ear: 'Keep those illegal migrants out, no matter what you have to do.'"
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POPE FRANCIS TO LIE IN STATE NEXT TO WINK MARTINDALE; DUAL VIEWING FIRST SINCE PAUL VI, ART FLEMING
(Vatican City) In a show of humility typical of his papacy, Pope Francis will share his viewing with long-time television game show host Wink Martindale. The Pope and Mr. Martindale will be laid in caskets side by side beginning Friday in Saint Peter’s Basilica. Millions of people are expected to pay their respects to the first Latin American Pope and the beloved host of television’s “Gambit” and “Tic Tac Dough.”With both men passing away in a span of one week, the dual viewing made perfect sense. “We thought it would be more convenient for mourners to pay their respects to both men if they were brought to one place,” said Archbishop Jack Barry.
“It’s ironic that the Holy Father was prepared to preside over Mr. Martindale’s funeral service, and then, this,” he said, his voice cracking.
This is the first time a Pope has lied in state next to a quiz show personality since Pope Paul VI shared a grief period with Art Fleming, long-time host of “Jeopardy.” When asked if he anticipated any future double viewings, the Archbishop said, “that is not likely.”
LEADING CATHOLIC THEOLOGIAN WARY OF ZOOM CONCLAVE, MAIL-IN BALLOTS IN SELECTION OF NEW POPE
Dr. David Corbett spoke with reporters outside his office this morning. “There is no substitute for in-person meetings, particularly when it involves selecting a leader for the one true Holy Roman Catholic Church. Now that the Cardinals are meeting via Zoom, how often do you think someone is going to turn off the camera and audio after joining the meeting? I hope it never happens, but it certainly could.”
He went on to say that mail-in ballots are fraught with peril. “The instructions with the ballots that were mailed from the Vatican yesterday clearly state that the ballot must be marked with the full name and address of the voter on the return envelope. What happens when one of the men neglect to include a date, or fail to write their full name? I see the potential for chaos.”
Dr. Corbett concluded by saying that the ‘I Voted” stickers given to all eligible Cardinals in the pending papal election was “a nice touch.”
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𝗡𝗨𝗧𝗧𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗥𝗔𝗜𝗦𝗘𝗦 𝗜𝗥𝗘 𝗢𝗙 𝗕𝗔𝗦𝗘𝗕𝗔𝗟𝗟 𝗖𝗢𝗠𝗠𝗜𝗦𝗦𝗜𝗢𝗡𝗘𝗥 𝗕𝗬 𝗡𝗔𝗠𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗛𝗜𝗦 𝗦𝗢𝗡 𝗔 𝗖𝗢𝗔𝗖𝗛 𝗢𝗡 '𝗧𝗔𝗞𝗘 𝗬𝗢𝗨𝗥 𝗖𝗛𝗜𝗟𝗗 𝗧𝗢 𝗪𝗢𝗥𝗞' 𝗗𝗔𝗬
Manfred is especially alarmed at reports that, as a cost-cutting move, Nutting plans to permanently install Noah as third base coach beyond tonight's game.
A reporter asked Pirates' manager Derek Shelton if Noah Nutting is qualified to coach third base in a major league baseball game. Shelton did not answer but turned away and looked at his shoes.
For his part, Noah says he's "psyched. I've been preparing for this my whole life." He said he is especially excited to "stay up so late."
A reporter caught up with Bob Nutting as he walked to his car, and Nutting told her that Noah "is very baseball savvy--he's what you might call a baseball prodigy." Nutting refused to say whether Noah would be permanently installed as third base coach. When asked if he was doing this to save money, Nutting smiled and said, "let's just say, Noah will work for the latest LEGO® Technic set. I'll leave it at that."
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BIDEN TO REPORTERS: “I’M GOING TO MISS POPE FRANCIS. I KNEW HIS DAD, YOU KNOW. POPE PETER.”
“We were walking along the beach in Galilee right after the crucifixion of Jesus and he said to me, Joey, I’m really getting a bum rap from the press about this whole 'deny me three times' malarkey.”
At this, the former President looked at the assembled crowd of media with a twinkle in his eye, and with a rueful smile, said “Pete – that’s what I called him, you know – you’re going to be the rock upon whom our Lord is going to build His church. Don’t let the bastards get you down.”
As reporters shouted out questions citing the veracity of his story, Dr. Jill Biden quickly moved toward her husband, luring him to her side with a large bowl of tapioca pudding. “I think that’ll be all today, gentlemen,” she said, taking her husband by the arm.
“Come back tomorrow, kids, and I’ll tell you about the time I extinguished the burning bush with Moses!” Biden shouted. “I think they’re going to do the story on an upcoming episode of Fire Country!”
BIDEN BADLY STUMBLES IN INTERVIEW TO BE POPE, MAY DROP OUT AND ENDORSE HARRIS
The most damning moment was when he was given a softball question to describe his experience growing up Catholic and serving as an altar boy in Scranton, Pennsylvania.
"As an altar boy, I made sure that all the--the--the things on the altar," he said. "Excuse me, dealing with everything we had to do with--look . . . if--" He paused for a long time, then inexplicably ended with, "We finally beat Medicare."
Biden had gone into the interview intent on quieting concerns about his mental acuity. Instead, he confirmed what many in the college have feared. Insiders say he is considering dropping out and endorsing Kamala Harris.
PIRATE USHERS BALK AT MANAGEMENT REQUEST TO PATROL STANDS LOOKING FOR LOOSE CHANGE, THREATEN TO FILE GRIEVANCE
Mr. Nutting vowed to put every discarded penny, nickel, dime and quarter back in to the on-field product. “As a responsible steward of this venerable franchise, I realize that money doesn’t grow on trees. However, I also realize that money does fall out of people’s pockets. And when it does, at PNC Park, and it’s retrieved by our dedicated employees, I consider it mine.”
Head usher Michael Loftus said many of the men he manages have a hard time getting up and down the stairs. “Most of these guys are over seventy years of age. The constant bending over is going to take a toll on their knees and backs. We might have to go to the NLRB with this thing.” When informed of this veiled threat, Nutting scoffed. “Our head usher will do as he’s told, or he’s liable to end up at a recycling plant on Mount Troy, if you know what I mean.”
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