BIDEN BADLY STUMBLES IN INTERVIEW TO BE POPE, MAY DROP OUT AND ENDORSE HARRIS

VATICAN CITY - The "Biden for Pope" bandwagon is in panic mode following Joe Biden's interview with the steering committee of the College of Cardinals. He stumbled through answers to the Cardinal's first questions, at one point appearing to totally lose his train of thought.

The most damning moment was when he was given a softball question to describe his experience growing up Catholic and serving as an altar boy in Scranton, Pennsylvania.

"As an altar boy, I made sure that all the--the--the things on the altar," he said. "Excuse me, dealing with everything we had to do with--look . . . if--" He paused for a long time, then inexplicably ended with, "We finally beat Medicare."

Biden had gone into the interview intent on quieting concerns about his mental acuity. Instead, he confirmed what many in the college have feared. Insiders say he is considering dropping out and endorsing Kamala Harris.

PIRATE USHERS BALK AT MANAGEMENT REQUEST TO PATROL STANDS LOOKING FOR LOOSE CHANGE, THREATEN TO FILE GRIEVANCE

(Pittsburgh) Ushers escorting patrons to their seats at PNC Park are refusing to add “picking up coins” to their job responsibilities. This comes only a day after Pirates owner Bob Nutting instructed all club employees to “look high and low throughout the park” to gather as much dropped or lost currency as possible to “improve financial flexibility” for the team.

Mr. Nutting vowed to put every discarded penny, nickel, dime and quarter back in to the on-field product. “As a responsible steward of this venerable franchise, I realize that money doesn’t grow on trees. However, I also realize that money does fall out of people’s pockets. And when it does, at PNC Park, and it’s retrieved by our dedicated employees, I consider it mine.” 

Head usher Michael Loftus said many of the men he manages have a hard time getting up and down the stairs. “Most of these guys are over seventy years of age. The constant bending over is going to take a toll on their knees and backs. We might have to go to the NLRB with this thing.” When informed of this veiled threat, Nutting scoffed. “Our head usher will do as he’s told, or he’s liable to end up at a recycling plant on Mount Troy, if you know what I mean.”

THE BLACK LAGOON BECOMES 51st STATE

 

POPE'S LAST WORDS REVEALED

 

JOE BIDEN SPENDING RETIREMENT CHECKING OFF ITEMS ON HIS BUCKET LIST

PRESIDENT TRUMP DEPORTS PITTSBURGH PIRATES; ACLU ISSUES STATEMENT PLEDGING “COMPLETE SUPPORT”

(Pittsburgh) In a bold move that could have major implications for under-performing professional sports teams across the country, President Trump deported the Pittsburgh Pirates this morning, sending the entire opening day lineup to an undisclosed maximum-security prison in El Salvador. Announcing the move on Truth Social, Trump said “The totally amazing people of PITTSBURGH have SUFFERED ENOUGH. I’ve instructed the Attorney General to round up these so-called baseball players (who, by the way, are even BIGGER LOSERS than that MAJOR LOSER Jerome Powell) and send them to the jungle.”

He added under a separate post made an hour later “Also, I’m looking at YOU, CLEVELAND BROWNS!”

In a rare show of agreement with the current administration, ACLU spokesman Witold “Vic” Walczak issued a statement saying his organization would not oppose the deportation.

“There comes a time when you just have to say, enough is enough,” it read, adding, “we wouldn’t mind if he grabbed Nutting, too.”

ALITO BLAMES SPOUSE FOR RELEASING DISSENT IN DECISION BLOCKING DEPORTATIONS; JUSTICE CITES “HAPPY WIFE, HAPPY LIFE” DOCTRINE

(Washington, D.C.) Justice Samuel Alito issued a statement today asserting that the controversial five page-dissent to the Supreme Court’s order blocking the Trump administrations attempt to deport Venezuelans this past Saturday was not issued by him, but by his spouse.

“While I agree with my wife’s reasoning and the rationale behind her – I mean our – dissent, I regret the tone and the timing of the release.”

The justice added that having a spouse write for a member of the court is perfectly compatible with the doctrine of “Happy Wife, Happy Life,” a theory of jurisprudence developed by members of the Hen-Pecked Society, a group of law professors who believe that doing anything necessary to get someone off your back and preserve peace and quiet in the house passes constitutional muster.

When asked to comment on how his wife might rule on the upcoming oral arguments before the court on birthright citizenship, Justice Alito replied “You’ll have to ask her.”

MANUFACTURING RETURNS TO THE RUST BELT

 

TRUMP ADDS NEGOTIATOR TO RUSSIA-UKRAINE WAR TALKS

 

BIDEN ESCORTED FROM WHITE HOUSE GROUNDS, TRIED TO SNEAK IN WEARING A DISGUISE

 

CARDINALS DISCREETLY CAMPAIGNING TO BE NEXT POPE

 

JD VANCE ARRESTED AS A 'PERSON OF INTEREST' IN THE DEATH OF THE POPE

 Critic of Francis was one of the last to see him alive.

THE POPE DIED THIS MORNING; THE CATHOLIC CHURCH WASTES NO TIME TO MOVE ON AFTER DEATH OF POPE FRANCIS

 

BERNIE SANDERS, AOC JET ACROSS AMERICA TO DECLARE CLIMATE CHANGE 'AN EXISTENTIAL THREAT'

 

WASHINGTON MONUMENT GIVEN A MAKEOVER

 "And soon, it will have a new name," says President Trump.

MITCH McCONNELL PEZ PULLED FROM SHELVES; CANDYMAKER SAYS 'IT WAS SCARING CHILDREN'

Kilmar Abrego Garcia Tapped to Star in Wholesome NBC Sitcom Upon His Return from El Salvador

 

BIDEN RETURNS, INJECTS MUCH NEEDED VITALITY INTO DEMOCRATIC PARTY

 

ANY PARK, U.S.A.

 

Democrat's White House Photo-Op

 

TRUMP'S TRADE WAR WITH CHINA INCLUDES STICKING PINS IN A PRESIDENT XI VOODOO DOLL

 

𝐁𝐈𝐋𝐋 𝐌𝐀𝐇𝐄𝐑 𝐀𝐑𝐑𝐈𝐕𝐄𝐒 𝐀𝐓 𝐖𝐇𝐈𝐓𝐄 𝐇𝐎𝐔𝐒𝐄, 𝐈𝐌𝐌𝐄𝐃𝐈𝐀𝐓𝐄𝐋𝐘 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐙𝐄𝐒 ‘𝐈𝐓 𝐖𝐀𝐒 𝐀 𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐏'

 

WALT DISNEY SPONTANEOUSLY AWAKENS FROM CRYOGENIC FREEZE TO CONDEMN 'SNOW WHITE' REMAKE

Cultural icon also asks: "Did Nixon make a comeback?"

 

TRUMP RENAMES 'BLACK LAGOON' THE 'AMERICAN LAGOON'

 

'RUN FOR A THIRD TERM? NO, I WON'T HAVE TO RUN.'

 

Dorian Gray posed for a photo with his best friend, Josh, at exactly the same place every 25 years

 

JD VANCE PARACHUTES INTO GREENLAND, CLAIMS TERRITORY FOR U.S.

 

POLICE CALM LOCAL NERVES: ENTITY SEEN TRAMPING THROUGH THE WOODS WAS NOT 'BIGFOOT'

 

ZELENSKY STEPS DOWN IN UKRAINE, SIGNS MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR DEAL TO BE ONE OF THE 'SMITH BROTHERS'

 "Just glad I didn't shave my beard--I'd have missed the opportunity," says Prez

PEZ CANDY 'PERPLEXED' WHY THE ADAM SCHIFF DISPENSER IS NOT A BIG SELLER

 

FOREIGN VISITORS REPORT A STRANGE PHENOMENON AT THE LINCOLN MEMORIALSINCE INAUGURATION DAY

Visitor: "When we got close, the statue moved its leg to reveal a secret message."

'CREEPIEST FILM OF THE YEAR'

TESLA TERRORIST IDENTIFIED AS 19-YEAR-OLD 'SNOW WHITE' OF BURBANK, CALIFORNIA

 

PBS DEFUNDED, COOKIE MONSTER EUTHENIZED AT 7:22 A.M.

 

TRUMP FORMS ROCK BAND WITH TERRORISTS: 'HOUTHI AND THE BLOWHARD'

HARRIS SAYS SHE WAS 'A WINNER' IN THE ELECTION--AND I'VE GOT THE TROPHY TO PROVE IT'

KAMALA HARRIS PLANS 2028 RUN, SAYS SHE 'KNOWS WHAT TO EMPHASIZE THIS TIME'

MILITARY INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX KICKS OFF FUN-FILLED ANNUAL CONVENTION

 

TRUMP GIVES STATUE OF LIBERTY BACK TO FRANCE, DEDICATES THIS ONE TO REPLACE IT

 

STRANDED ASTRONAUTS FINALLY BROUGHT BACK TO EARTH, THEIR CAPSULE IMMEDIATELY SET ON FIRE BY MUSK PROTESTORS

 

CROWD IS SHOCKED AS ASTRONAUTS EMERGE FROM SPACEX RESCUE MISSION CAPSULE: "THAT'S NOT THEM!"

NASA: "We have no idea who these people are. They are not the astronauts SpaceX was supposed to rescue."

JFK FILES REVEAL 'ASSASSINATION' WAS STAGED--OSWALD AND KENNEDY SPOTTED TOGETHER 15 YEARS LATER AT A HOT DOG EATING CONTEST

TRUMP PROMINENTLY DISPLAYS HUNTER BIDEN PAINTINGS THROUGHOUT THE WHITE HOUSE

 

A LOOK INSIDE THE BIDEN WHITE HOUSE

 

IMAGE MAKEOVER: MITCH McCONNELL HEADS TO CANCUM TO BLEND IN WITH SPRING-BREAKERS

NEXT CHAPTER: BIDEN TAPPED AS SPECIAL ADVISER TO NEIGHBORHOOD OF MAKE BELIEVE

 "Uniquely qualified for this position," says ex-president.

WOMAN ATTACKED, HEROIC TEENS RUSH IN TO RECORD IT